unemployment depression: 2007

How was everyone's Christmas?

To tell you the truth mine was bad. I have been pretending that I was happy for all of my online friends but the truth is I didn't have a Christmas. My husband never did get out of jail like we were hoping and now he won't be out until January 17th so I didn't get my one and only Christmas wish. I hope everyone else had a good Christmas though. Since my hubby has been in jail I was put on Clonopin for my nerves. This is because of how depressed I have been from missing him so much. They help but I still miss him a lot and can't wait until he comes home. I am planning a big dinner and I am actually trying to make enough money online to be able to buy him a nice Christmas present for his homecoming.

I didn't want anyone to buy me anything but of course my mom bought me a nice warm robe and my aunt bought me a new hat and scarf. It was nice of them to think of me but I truly didn't want them to buy me anything because I couldn't afford to buy anyone anything because of the debt I am in. I only wanted one thing and that was for my husband to come home. Anyway I really didn't want to talk about this but I needed to get it off of my chest and what better way than to write it in my depression blog since I am depressed. Anyway, here's hoping that the New year brings all of us better things and here's to hoping that next Christmas will be better. I hope I didn't bring anyone down for writing this but I had to write it down to see if I could feel a little better. It really didn't work though. Thanks for reading my depressing ramblings.

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Do you ask yourself "Why does God allow suffering?"

I will tell you from first hand experience that I have been through hell and back in my days. I am still young but I sure have been through a lot as, I'm sure, everyone has. We all have our bad days and our good days but what happens when we go through a really awful time and it seems like there is no hope of ever getting back to the good times? I can tell you the things I have been through have been hard and sometimes it seems like once something bad happens everything falls down on me after. Sometimes it's like a domino effect; one bad thing follows another and another and another until it seems like we just can't take it anymore and feel all hope is lost. But have you ever really sat down and thought about why these bad things happen? I have and to tell you the truth I have learned a lot of things while having a streak of bad luck. The terrible ordeals I have been through have only made me stronger and made me decide to reach out to God more.

In my last post I told you about how my husband went to jail for driving without his license and even though it is a bad thing because I miss him terribly I have realized that that was God's way of telling us "Hey you can't be driving." You know why he shouldn't be driving? Because he has a seizure disorder and the last time he was behind the wheel he had a seizure while driving and almost died. About a short month after he went to court, and this was his second offense, and the judge sentenced him to 90 days in jail. Sure we were upset, mad, even angry with God. We wondered why God could let this happen. I think there are a couple of other reasons this happened to us. One reason could be because I depended on my husband too much and I think I needed to learn how to live on my own and take care of myself and do things that I never had to do before because my husband was always here to do them. I never, ever imagined that I would be without him one day but you know what? This is not the only time I will be without him and this is only temporary because he will hopefully be home within the next week or so. I have realized that one day, if his time comes before mine, he will be gone and I won't get to be with him again until I get to heaven. So maybe this was God's way of telling me I had to live on my own and do things for myself. For example, one of my cats died a couple of weeks ago, she was only about a month old, and I found her dead and cried my eyes out of course but my husband wasn't here to bury her like he has done for all of our other animals we have lost over the years. So I buried her and I have never buried an animal before in my entire life. But I did it and it wasn't hard to do, except it was hard on my heart, but it wasn't physically hard.

Another thing I have learned, and my husband has too since being in jail and away from me, is that we have such a deep and strong love for each other we can get through anything life throws at us. It seems our love has grown even stronger since we have been apart and we miss each other so much it hurts but we know it won't be too much longer before he gets home. This is just another example of God trying to tell us something.

Anyway I found a wonderful website that talks about reasons why God allows suffering. There is so much evil in this world and a lot of suffering. A lot of people are suffering much more than I am and I have also learned that. Some people think their life is so bad that no one can possibly have it worse but a lot of people are so much worse off than you and I. What about the homeless? What about people in different countries who are starving or freezing to death? What about the many innocent people who die in terrorists attacks every day in certain countries? What about children who are abused either sexually, mentally, or physically? Think about what they might be going through and then ask yourself if your life is really that bad.

I know people who complain about everything and I do mean everything. They complain about the house they live in or the car they drive or the job they have. They complain about the food they eat and the clothes they wear. Ok to those people I say, at least you have a house to live in and a car to drive. At least you have a job and even if it doesn't pay that much at least it pays the bills. At least you have clothes to wear and food to eat. A lot of people don't have homes, food, cars, jobs, money or anything. So be thankful for what you do have and Thank God for what you do have. I know I am thankful every day for the roof over my head and food in my fridge. I might not have money for Christmas presents this year but the best Christmas present I could have is my husband home and food on our table. That is all I want. Of course I want things to get better for everyone but I am not worried about going out and spending money on presents that I don't have because all I need is my family and a nice dinner to sit down to with them.

Sorry for the long article but this website really made me think about life and why people suffer. The reason I have come up with is because God wants us to learn from the bad things that happen. I can't really say why God allows so many people to suffer such as the homeless, or abused children but I can say that the bad things I have gone through have made me the strong person I am today and has made me really reach out to God and to be thankful for the things I do have instead of complaining about the things I don't have. Why worry about material possessions in this world when we won't be taking them with us to the next world?

Anyway if you do have that question burning in your mind and heart, "Why does God allow suffering?" then please click on the link and check out this wonderful website. There is a course you can take to help you understand more about why there is so much suffering in the world today and maybe even open you up to new ideas and new insights about God and how much He does love all of us and is there for all of us. Maybe this course will help you to understand more about God's will and what he wants you to do with your life. We all have a purpose in life and maybe this will help you find yours. Anyway God bless and Merry Christmas!

Sorry it has been a while

It has been a long time since I last posted and for that I am sorry. I have been busy and have had a lot of stuff going on in my life. Too much for me to handle but I have finally accepted it.

My husband is in jail right now for driving without his license. I know he shouldn't have done it but we had no other way to get around considering I do not have my license yet. The reason I don't have mine is because with this social phobia I also now have a driving phobia. I can drive and I am trying to get over it but I get scared when there is a lot of traffic and I also get scared at night. I am not afraid of the dark I am just afraid to drive in the dark. But I have to get over it so I got my permit again and now I need to practice my parking because that is the main thing I am afraid I will fail because I cannot park in between 2 cars.

So anyway in order for my husband to get to work he had to drive himself and the reason he doesn't have his license is because he had too many DUI's from the past and they took them. So in order for him to get them back he has to pay a $675 re-instatement fee. So we got pulled over and got a speeding ticket and he had to go to court and then he was in a bad car wreck because he had a seizure at the wheel and had to go in front of the same judge so he got 90 days in jail. At least he is alive because he almost died in that wreck. I miss him terribly though. We talk on the phone every once in a while and I can see him every Thursday. We also write to each other but it is not the same. I want him home with me where he belongs.

So since he is in jail I had to have my Serouquel reduced back down to 200 mgs. instead of 400 because 400 knocks me out so bad that I can't wake up for anything. With him being gone I need to be alert in case a fire happens or anything else. So she reduced that and increased my Zoloft to 100 mgs. It seems to be working out ok but she also had to put me on Klonopin to help calm my nerves. I was crying myself to sleep every night for the first 2 weeks. I am ok now and have accepted it and I know he will be home soon. I look forward to his phone calls and his letters and to be able to see him once a week. I miss him so much though. He is my best friend, my husband, my partner for life.

Anyway I will write again soon. :)

A lot has happened lately

Wow a lot has happened since I last posted and it hasn't been all that great. I really don't know where to start. Well my husband has a seizure disorder along with the many other things he has wrong with him, including Bi-Polar Disorder, depression, deteriated disks in his lower back, Restless leg syndrome and many other things. The thing is with his seizure disorder that the meds he is on, Dilantin, has kept his seizures under control and he hasn't had one in over two years and that has been great, Well on September, 7th he woke up early as usual and woke me up to let me know that he was driving up to the store to get a pack of cigarettes. I was half asleep but I heard him. I couldn't have imagined that what happened within 10 minutes later would have happened because like I said he hasn't had a seizure in over two years, which has been wonderful for both of us. Do you know anyone who has a seizure disorder? Have you ever seen someone go through one before? If not, it is not a pretty sight. Anyway back to what happened next.

I remember I decided to get up and lay down on the living couch and fall back to sleep. See I'm not an early bird like my husband is. He gets up at the crack of dawn almost every day and I like to sleep in until 9am as often as I can. This was around 7 am when all of this happened and it happened so fast it was like a dream. I remember yelling at the puppy that we have been dog sitting for the past two weeks because he wanted me to get up and play and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. And then I remember someone pounding on our front door so I got up and looked out the window to see who it was. This man was outside so I ran outside to see what he wanted and that is when he told me the most dreadful thing , my husband was in a very bad car accident and I need to get up there to him. I asked him where it happened and he said right up the road. He wanted to give me a ride up but I needed to throw a pair of sweats on because I was sleeping in my husband's boxers so I told him I would walk up since it was right up the road. So he left and I hurried up and threw on a pair of sweats and socks and shoes, put the puppy in the hallway and shut the doors so he wouldn't make a mess of the place while I was gone. I started running up the road and my neighbor from up the road was driving by. He stopped to ask me where I was going and what was wrong because he could tell I was extremely upset. I told him and he told me to hop in and he would take me up to where my husband was. When I got there I ran right to the Ambulance my husband was in and this guy stopped me to ask me some questions about my husband. After that I jumped in the ambulance and was relived to see that my husband was ok. He was laying on the stretcher and had a neck brace on. He grabbed my hand as soon as I got there and said that he told them he wasn't leaving for the hospital until I got there. He wanted me to sit back there with him and so did I but they don't allow that anymore. Since I had no other way to the hospital they said I could ride up front with the driver. After they asked me about his meds and a few more questions I jumped up front and we left.

I'm telling you God or an Angel was with my husband that morning because when I saw our car I felt like I was going to puke. He flipped the car and rolled it until it was upside down. My God he could have died! Luckily the guy that had come down to let me know about it was the one who cut him out of the car. They had to cut the seatbelt and not only did that seatbelt save his life but it almost killed him too because it was choking him. And with the car upside down the way it was if they wouldn't have gotten him out of the car it might have exploded because of the gas leaking out and then he would have burnt to death. He was so lucky to have survived it.

He said he didn't even remember leaving the driveway that morning and when he wrecked and came to he thought he was dreaming so he closed his eyes again. Then he realized he wasn't dreaming and he started screaming for me. I think he thought I was in the car with him and that I didn't survive. They said that if I would have been with him I would have either died or been severely injured because the whole passenger side was caved in and the windshield was shattered.

I keep thinking that if I would have been in the car then maybe I could have stopped it from happening. The reason I think this is because maybe when I noticed him going into a seizure I could have taken the wheel and jerked the car off the road and hit the brakes. But my husband said there would have been nothing I could have done and I probably would have died on the spot. It is scary to even think about it. And even though I wasn't with him when it happened I had nightmares 2 days afterwards because I saw the car upside down and I couldn't get that image out my head for a few days.

So now we are without a car and even though that sucks because of where we live we need a car but all I care is that my husband is alive and that I wasn't with him and I am alive because of that. They did X-Rays and C.T Scan on him at the hospital and everything came back fine but of course his Dilantin level was really low. So the doctor has upped his dose to 3 pills a day instead of 2.

The messed up thing about it is that a day before it happened our car insurance was canceled because we couldn't afford to pay it but we were supposed to have a 10 day grace period. Well now they are saying we had no grace period so they won't pay for us to get another car. I told my husband that he needs to call them back because we did have a grace period and now they are trying to screw us out of getting a car. We live out in the country and we desperately need a new car and until we can come up with the money for another one we have to rely on my parents for a ride and they both work 6 days a week so it is rather hard for us to get where we need to go.

Anyway I am going to try my hardest to make the money we need online to get another car. It doesn't have to be new and it doesn't have to be nice. It just has to run and get us from point A to point B.

This is all for now and I will try to post again tomorrow. Please friends, pray for things to get better for us. We will appreciate all of your prays and thoughts. Thank you for listening to my yapping but I had to talk about it. With this being my depression blog it is appropriate to post it here since it is rather depressing what we are going through right now. I will also post a little about it on my other blog. Thanks for reading and please pray for us. :)

A warning about Mirapex

Mirapex is a new restless leg syndrome medication. When I went to see my family doctor he decided to put me on that instead of Requip, even though I specifically asked for Requip. He said Requip would counteract with my anti depressants. Well he was really wrong because the Mirapex counteracted with my meds instead. It not only made my RLS worse but it also made me so depressed that I was actually having suicidal thoughts. I quit taking it immediately and felt fine afterwards. So it was definitely the Mirapex. So if you are on Mirapex and anti-depressants also then please be careful. Report any side effects to your doctor immediately.

Even though I have quit taking the Mirapex I am still feeling extremely depressed and it is not due to any meds. Although my Zoloft might have to be upped a little more. What my main problem is our bills are piling up and I need to find a full time writing job fast. My husband needs to find a new job also. I feel like the whole damn world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. That is all I feel like writing right now but I hope to feel better enough to write something positive next time. Sorry if I brought anyone down with me.

A bad day and a doctors appointment

Wow I was ok this morning. I had to get up early to take my cats to the vet to get spayed and then I had a doctors appointment. He upped my dose of propranolol to 60 mg. because I have been having a good bit of migraines again. The only problem is the last time I was on 60mg. I hallucinated on them. Well I took my first dose of the 60 this afternoon after dinner and no hallucinations yet so I think I will be ok on them. The only problem I am having now is that I feel a little down. I feel like something bad is going to happen for some reason. I think the reason I feel like this is because I only had a half of dose of Seroquel last night. I usually take a half a dose when I need to get up early in the morning because if I don't I won't get up when I'm supposed to. I'm going to have to take a half of a dose again tonight because we have to get up early again to go pick up the cats.

So I hope I don't feel like this tomorrow. Gosh I feel like the whole world is coming down on me. When I get like this I don't want to write articles and the problem with that is if I don't write my articles for Associated Content I don't get paid. I haven't been able to write very much lately. It's like I have a bad case of writers block and I can't seem to get out of it. I need help big time. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can get out of writers block then please let me know by leaving me a comment. I will really appreciate it.

The Jefferson County Fair is going on and I don't even get to go to it this year. I haven't been there in years. Yeah I know there will be a crowd of people there but they don't stand around crowding other people in, they move around a lot. I miss the rides I used to go on and the food and games. When I was a teenager I went every year with my friends. Now I can't even go one day because we can't afford it right now. Money problems big time. Oh listen to me I am feeling sorry for myself again but hey that is what happens when someone feels really depressed. I can't help it I feel like crap today.

What I wanted to go for was to see Jack Ingram playing. He was there on the first day which was Tuesday. Joe Zelek will be playing at the fair on Saturday and I was hoping to go but not this time. Oh well I see Joe a lot anyway. All I have to do is go to the Dillonvale Pharmacy and I can see him. The last time I went to watch him sing was when we went to Steubenville to his free concert and we left early because I couldn't handle the crowd. When the hell am I going to be able to live normally? I am so sick of not being able to do things in life. I feel like life is passing me by and I am going to die before I get to see things in the world!

I feel a little better since I got that out of my system. Hopefully the next time I post I will feel much better and be in a better mood.

Not quite there yet

The other day we had to go to my husband's uncle's house because he had a job for us to tear another trailer down behind his house. He tells us to come over in the evening and start because it will be cooler. So we did and Oh my gosh there was so many people there. I thought I would be able to handle it but I couldn't. I started getting nervous and felt a panic attack coming on and I kept telling my husband either we get started on the trailer or we go home. He knew it was bothering me to be around all of those people and it was bothering him too even though it was his family. But we had to wait until his uncle came over to tell us what we needed to do to get started. All that damn time standing there wishing I was home he then finally tells us to go home and come back tomorrow morning since there was so many people there. I wish he would have told my husband that on the phone instead of wasting the gas driving there for nothing. One of his cousins talked my ear off and the other one kept giving me dirty looks and she was a little mouthy with me. She is actually his cousins wife and I do not like her at all. She acts like she is better than everyone. Anyway we went back the next morning and parked behind his house right beside the trailer so we didn't have to be around anyone else. My husband went to the house to tell his uncle we were there and there was a houseful of people again. I swear his house is the meeting place for everyone in town. It is totally ridiculous.

I finally heard from Social Security about my claim. They made me an appointment to go to one of their doctors. I don't know why because I have my own doctor. I guess they're just trying to find out if I'm lying or not. Well they will find out that I am not and that I am not normal. My aunt told my mom that she had to go to the same doctor and as soon as she did she got her money. I really wish I could be normal and not have to go through all this crap. Why can't I be normal and have a normal job like other people? Why can't I go places and have fun like other people? It is really not fair that I have to live like this.

I am not really in the greatest mood today as you can probably tell by my post. I'm feeling a little agitated and depressed today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Weather widget not working right.

I just wanted to let everyone know that fior some reason the weather widget isn't working right on my blog. I live in Rayland, Ohio not Windsor Heights, WV so I don't know about this. If I can't get it fixed I'm going to take it off of my blog. I'm not putting it on my other blogs either. I will leave it on this blog for now until I hear back for them because I'm sending the admin at Blogskinny an email letting them know it is not working.

Personalize your blog

It has been said that when you make your blog more personal you bring in more readers because the readers want to feel connected to you in some way. So BlogSkinny has created a widget that displays the weather from your area on your blog. This way your readers can know how the weather is where you live. Pretty cool huh?

All you do is enter your zipcode into the space provided and click on "generate code" and they will create a code for your blog. I am going to try this out and put it on every blog I have. Right now it's pretty hot where I live so I'm going to display "hot" results!

Get your free weather widget and personalize your blog

These last few days....

Last Thursday I think it was, my husband and I decided to go to Steubenville and see The Joe Zelek band play his free concert across from the police station at the Fort Steuben. I was all excited to go until I found out my brother-n-law and his girlfriend were going too. I cannot stand my brother-n-law's girlfriend and truthfully I don't like my brother-n-law all that much anymore either. All he cares about is getting high and drunk everyday. He has his own apartment but he doesn't pay his bills because all of his money goes on drugs and alcohol. AGGGGGHHH!! This drives me crazy because here my husband and I are struggling every month to pay the bills and make sure we have food to eat and this 36 year old "boy", I will call him because he will never grow up, only cares about himself. This stupid girlfriend of his keeps eying my husband and I'm sick of it. When they walked down to the Fort Steuben to see Joe Zelek with us she had on this tank top that showed her fat sticking out and her boobs sticking out. And as if her boobs weren't sticking out enough while we're on the elevator she stands there across from my husband and pushes her boobs out more. Ugghhhh I cannot stand this girl!!

And if that's not enough my drunken brother-n-law keeps throwing her out of his apartment and she sits down my mother-n-laws and cries and pouts and says "I'm never going back to him" and she goes right back to him either that night or the next day!! Every time they get into a fight he throws her out and she ends up down the hall at my mother-n-laws and every time she goes right back to him. I am sick of hearing her whine about how he treats her. He will never change!! My husband and my mother-n-law agree with me 100%! This 36 year old "boy" will never , ever grow up!!

Ok now that I got that out of my system what happened at the Joe Zelek concert is that there were way too many people there and my husband and I both had a panic attack. Not only that but it was way too hot also. I thought the Zoloft would help to where I could go to things like this but I guess I was wrong again. I wasn't having a good time anyway because of his brother and his stupid girlfriend. Every time I think about these 2 I want to scream! It's like they trigger my mood swings. I am 27 years old and am younger than both of them and I am way more mature than both of them. He is 36 and she is 31 and they act like freaking teenagers!!!

Ok I have to quit talking about them because now I'm getting madder than hell!! So on to something good to talk about. Saturday we went to Treasure Island! It is a wonderful flea market and it is huge. Yes there were a lot of people there but the difference with Treasure Island and the concert is that at Treasure Island everyone was moving around so I wasn't crowded in. It was wonderful there. My husband got a brand new pair of Air Jordan tennis shoes for only $15. I got a printer/copier/scanner/fax machine for $25 and my mother-n-law bought us each a paper weight for $1 a piece. My husbands is a picture of an eagle and mine is dolphins. She also got a t-shirt that says "Someone special calls me Nana" and she bought some clothes for her baby grandson, my other brother-n-law's kid. I also got a pair of Calvin Klein shorts for $2 and my husband got a Craftsman tool set for $8. I am going back next month and buying my niece something for her B-day there. They have so much stuff it is hard to get through it all in an hour and that is all we had was an hour because we had to pick my mom up from work. I felt like a kid in a candy store, lol!

Now I want to talk about something else that is bothering me a lot lately. My dad is getting worse with his mental illness. His dad is in a mental institution and I'm afraid my dad is going to be in there next because he is angry about everything. He refuses to get the help he needs and I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless because I can't do anything for him. He has to want the help and in his mind he has it under control. Yeah right, he has never had it under control and never will. I just wish there was something I could do to convince him to get the help he needs.

Well I feel better now that I have all of this off my chest. It feels great to write my feelings down. :)

Oh I almost forgot, here are a few articles I wrote about depression, social anxiety disorder and Bi-Polar disorder:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/192703/diagnosis_and_treatment_of_bipolar.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/154581/writing_as_a_self_therapy.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/153553/living_with_social_anxiety_disorder.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/136524/the_ups_and_downs_of_depression.html

These articles are for those who are suffering from depression, social anxiety disorder and Bi-Polar Disorder. I hope these articles help those who suffer as I did. Anyone else can read them too.

Check out my other blogs:

My Highly Recommended Business Opportunities

Entertain Me

Sorry about not posting lately

Just want to say real quick that the last post I wrote was a review on a website because in exchange for it I will receive free advertising from a blog directory. The blog directory is Blog Skinny.

Anyway on with what I wanted to say. I exchanged messages with someone from Mylot that has subscribed to this blog and this person is having a terrible time with depression and anxiety. Her anxiety is so bad that she is too afraid to leave her house long enough to go to the doctors and get the help she needs. If she is reading this I urge you to please try to at least leave your house long enough to get the help you need. I used to be just like this. My anxiety was so bad that I was afraid to leave the house just to go tot he doctors but I realized I couldn't live like this forever and I forced myself to go. And I am so glad I did because now I am on the right medication that controls the panic attacks so I am able to go shopping, visit my in-laws, and go to the doctors. I even want my husband to take me to the fair next month and there will be a lot of people there but I think I can do it. So if anyone is going through this same thing you need to get help now!! If not you will be like this for the rest of your life and how can you live life if you don't get the help you need? How can you live life if you're too afraid to go anywhere.

So please go get on medication and talk to a counselour because once you are on the medication that is right for you, you will be glad you did. My husband and I went to visit my mom the other day and she said that my aunt and cousin, who is older than me, was there visiting. My cousin is having this same problem. She has it so bad that she hardly said a word to my mom and it was only my mom, my aunt and her there. I'm telling you that is way worse than I was because I was ok as long as there was only a few people in the room but she started having a panic attack when it was just the 3 of them in the room. I told my mom that she needs to tell her what I went through and that I am on such good medication now that I am getting better and better everyday. I promised myself that I wouldn't live like my dad's family and I won't. I have gotten the help I need and I feel so much better with the medication. I am taking Seroquel and Zoloft and it is working wonders for me. So please take my advice and do this for yourself.

Tomorrow I will post some links to a few articles I wrote for Associated Content that might be of help to anyone with depression and Bi-Polar.

Check out my other blogs:

My Highly Recommended Business Opportunities

Entertain Me

A little off topic

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I have graduated

I went to see my doctor on the 18th and told her that both medications, Zoloft and Seroquel are working. The night before I did not get any sleep because I ran out of my meds too soon. Without these pills I cannot sleep. So if you're on Seroquel for Bi-Polar disorder then make sure you count your pills when you get them filled because the pharmacy shorted me one and it could happen to anyone. Now I know that I cannot go without them for the rest of my life. So I'm dependent on yet another pill.

Anyway since I missed a dose I had not one but 2 bad days because of it. My husband and I got into a fight because I picked one with him. That is what happens when you have Bi-Polar. If you are not on meds or if your meds aren't working you will pick a fight with anyone and everyone. But now I'm back on track and my doc gave me a few extra samples just in case the pharmacy shorted me again. So I repeat, count your pills when you get them.

Now Seroquel also causes weight gain and I do not want to gain weight but when she first put me on them I did gain a few pounds. I did not like that one bit so I started walking more and I have lost at least a pound. Not much but at least I lost something. I plan to lose a few more.

My husband also had to go see his doctor and neither one of us like her one bit. She is so stuck up it's like she has a needle stuck in her butt, lol. Anyway he got into an argument with her because she won't give him anything to help him sleep so he asked if he could see the nurse practitioner, Lori, she is the one I see. I call her my doctor even though she is not a doctor. She helps the doctors by taking on some of their patients and I asked her if I could see her instead of my doctor. She is a lot better than the doctors because she actually listens and she actually cares about us unlike the stuck up doctors who only care about the money. So my husband will be seeing her too and I know she will give him something to help him sleep.

Yesterday, July 21st, was my birthday. I turned 27 and I was depressed the whole day. I Haven't accomplished anything at all and here I am already 27. I got married but I haven't had kids and probably will never be able to because of all the meds I'm on and because I have cysts on my ovaries. I like to write but I haven't been published but I am still working on that. I just need to get my life figured out and get things done because life is way too short.

Anyway when I was following Lori into the room where the appointments are made the receptionist asked if I was coming back in 4 weeks like my husband because she had already made my appointment on the same day. Lori says, "Nope, she has graduated to 8 weeks." That is because these pills are working so good for me. I still wish I could have been kept on the Lamictal because I swear those pills were a miracle for me. I was so happy on them. But it was just my luck that I ended up breaking out in a rash from them. Oh well at least something is finally helping me.

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Things that might help control your anxiety

I have been feeling pretty good these last few days. I think the Zoloft is starting to help even more. I went to Wal-Mart and I had a slight panic attack but not as bad as the last time we were there. My husband had a bad one though and you could tell that he wanted to get out of there pretty fast. We took his mom shopping and she is rather slow. It's not that she is old but even if she has a list and knows what she needs she still goes down every aisle. He was getting rather irritated with her.

When you are suffering from Panic Attacks and depression Wal-Mart is the worst place you can go. It is also the worst place to go if you have Bi-Polar Disorder. My husband and I both have Bi-Polar Disorder and if you are in a very bad mood swing you might just feel like picking a fight with someone there. The people walk really slow in front of you. I know a lot of people like to take their good old time shopping but it would be nice to consider the people that are walking behind you unless you want to be rammed in the butt with a buggy.

Here are some things I have learned to deal with panic attacks while in a big store like Wal-Mart:

1. Ignore those around you. You might think they are staring and judging you but they really aren't. I still think this way sometimes but I try to remember that they are not better than me. They might think they are better than me but I know they are not. Some of these people deal with the same problems we do but they hide it better and maybe even handle it better.

2. If you feel a panic attack coming on and don't think you can stop it and if you have someone with you try telling them how you are feeling and if you can let them shop for you for a little while and take a walk outside. Breathe some fresh air and if you smoke take a cigarette break. If you don't want to stop shopping or you don't want to hand your shopping over to the person who is with you then just take a few deep breaths. If you don't have anyone with you and you don't think you can control or stop your attack then maybe the best thing you can do is leave your buggy sit there and just go outside for a little bit. Or you could just hurry up and get what you need and go to the shortest line possible and get out. These are things that I do if I am having an attack. I know most people won't want to just leave their buggy full of food sit there and go outside but it is a suggestion.

3. If you are on any kind of medications for your anxiety then maybe taking an extra one before going into the store might help. My husband and I have done this and it has helped us.

4. If you don't think you can do any of these things then maybe you should try shopping somewhere where there is less people.

I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for quite some time now. I have been put on so many medications to help control it but I think the ones I am on now are finally helping. If the medication you are on is not helping and you have been on it for a while then you should ask your doctor to try something else. You won't know which one will help unless you keep trying until you get it right.

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Maybe the Zoloft is finally working

I have had a pretty good weekend. I know the seroqoul is working and I think the Zoloft is working finally. I have only been on it for a couple of weeks. I have been pretty busy all weekend and haven't had time to get things done online but I'm trying to get caught up with all of my blogs. Tomorrow I hope I will have time to start my new blog. It will be a blog just for other blog reviews. I have a whole lot of other blogs bookmarked so I will be doing reviews of them and giving some link love to my fellow bloggers. I did start this on my blogchex blog but I don't think any of the "pay you to blog" sites accept blogchex blogs so I am starting it with blogger.

Anyway I have been feeling better lately and I will keep posting about how I'm doing on this medication. Here is something interesting my counselour told me the other day. It seems that I am not only Bi-Polar but I also have Social Phobia, Agoraphobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I guess I'm totally messed up in the head. I get this from my dad's side of the family because my grandfather has been in a mental institution since my dad was 7 and now my dad is 54, my dad's brother is agoraphobic, 2 of his sisters are mentally retarded and 2 of them have social anxiety disorder or if you want to call it social phobia it is the same thing. There is one big difference with me and them though; I have gotten the help I needed so desperately and am overcoming it. I am getting through it. I still can't go to social events and I still shake when I go grocery shopping but I am slowly trying to be normal whatever that may be. My dad has some big issues mentally and emotionally and refuses to get help. I feel so bad for him because I know what he is going through but he won't get help. No matter how many times I tell him that he will feel better on medication and that the place I go to will give him free samples and won't charge him for going there until he gets health insurance he still won't do it. There was a time that I thought my husband and I had him talked into it but no go and I don't think he will ever get the help he needs. It saddens me because I know that he is screaming inside his own head and he is so unhappy but you can't force someone to get help if they don't want it. I feel so bad for my dad but there is nothing I can do about it except be there for him and listen to him when he goes on and on about his job or something else he complains about. As much as he drives us all nuts with his constant ramblings he is still my father and I love him and will always be here for him no matter what. Even though my dad would rather talk to my husband and he doesn't show me that he loves me I still love him and I always will. I can't even think about when the time comes for my parents to die. It is something that I just can't think about because it will drive me deeper into the insanity that I am already in. I love them and have always been close to them and can't think about life without them. I still don't cuss around them and I don't smoke around my father. My mom doesn't mind and I am going to be 27 this month but sometimes I still feel like a child when I'm around them. Sometimes I want to go climb on my dad's lap like I did when I was a little girl and sometimes I want to grab my mom and kiss her and hug her as much as I can. I know I could kiss them and hug them as much as I can but I don't want to make them feel awkward because I'm an adult. Or maybe I will feel awkward instead of them.

Today is my brothers birthday. If he was still alive today he would be turning 37. He died when he was 22. Him and his wife were getting a divorce because he found out she was cheating on him with one of his so called friends. He asked her for a divorce but she didn't want one. She instead had him killed by his so called friend that she was cheating with. Of course we all believe and always will believe that she is the the one who did the actual shooting. We think that her boyfriend just took the blame for her. Now her boyfriend is dead and she is still walking free. Her boyfriend killed himself a few years ago. We think maybe he couldn't live with the guilt anymore. I don't know but if my brother would have never met her he would be living a happy life today. He was an alcoholic and drug addict back then but right before he was killed he was trying to get his life straightened out. He was planning on going to art school. He was a talented artist and he also wrote poems. I got his poetic side but I can only write poems when I'm depressed. My brother was the same way. You could be totally depressed and all you had to do was call him up and he would make you laugh until your sides hurt. He was a great big brother. I was 12 when he died. It would have been nice to get to know him as an adult. This is for you Tom; Happy Birthday. We love you and miss you with all our hearts and souls. I will see you one day on the other side.

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Need a little "pick me up"?

If you're depressed or in a bad mood then you should visit the forum "Mylot" because the people on there will cheer you up. On Mylot you get to share your opinions and make new friends and get paid to do so at the same time. I love Mylot. When I'm feeling down I can go on there and read some of the discussions and respond to them. There are jokes on there also and it is just a fun forum to participate in. It is also nice to log in every day and see your earnings go up. I have been paid twice and am almost at payout again. Payout is only $10 and if you are active enough you can reach that in no time at all.

Wen to see Carol and she actually let me talk for a change. It was nice to be able to talk about what is going on with life right now out here in the peace and quiet of the country.

I will post more tomorrow if I have time. We have to go grocery shopping so I might not get to post again until the next day. :)

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Bad day today

It wasn't a bad day mentally but I had a really bad sinus headache all day. It just went away about a couple of hours ago. So I laid around most of the day and wasn't able to get things done like I planned. Oh well. At least it's gone now and I am getting caught up on everything now. Trying to that is.

Tomorrow my husband and I have to see our counslours. I hate going to see mine because she wants to talk the whole time. It is supposed to be my hour and I end up having to interrupt her most of the time just to get a few words in edgewise. I wish I had my husband's therapist. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Besides my husband anyway. I was even able to go in with my husband one time and sit in on a session. He let me say a few things that were on my mind. This was way before I started to go see Carol. Anyway I have to see her because it is part of the whole trying to get better thing.

What helps me a whole lot more is going on the forum Mylot. At least when I'm logged into Mylot I am able to express my opinions on certain subjects that I like and I also have a ton of friends there too. If I ever have a problem or need someones opinion all I have to do is either start a discussion or PM one of my friends and I always get the help I need. Mylot is a great place to meet friends and share different things. You should check it out. They even pay you to post. I have been paid twice and it wasn't a whole lot but it was something for my time and it is a fun place to hang out.

http://mylot.com/cwilson26

It was a good day

Today was a pretty good day for me. I really don't think the Zoloft could be working already but I didn't feel irritated today. I have been happily working on this blog and my new one. I plan on making the writing website reviews for the "pay you to blog" sites a full time income. That is why I have been working on these all day. I am writing this post and I wrote another post in my new "entertainment" blog and I have a post reserved for Smorty which is another "pay you to blog" site. I also found this website called 451 Press. Apparently they also pay you to blog but the difference is they give you free web hosting. You get your own domain with them. I want to apply but I don't know if I have what it takes and I don't handle rejection very good. I think I will just bookmark the site and try it out one day soon.

On another subject; the only thing I don't like about this Seroquel that I am taking for Bi-Polar disorder is that I can't get up at 9am anymore like I used to. It doesn't matter if I go to bed early at night or not I still do not want to wake up in the morning. I used to be able to wake up at 9 and eat a quick breakfast, feed my animals by 10 am and change my clothes. Then I would get the house cleaned up by noon and off to the internet to do my online work. Now my husband has to keep yelling at me and I don't get up until about 10 am and the animals have to wait until after 11 and then I finally get my housework done. I know it is only an extra hour but I liked getting up at 9 am. This medicine kicks my butt, lol. And now on top of that I am on the Zoloft and that also makes you tired. Like I need anymore pills to knock me out at night. Monday I have to go see my counselour and then I have to drop in my doctors office and let her know how I'm doing on the Zoloft. I don't see the Zoloft working that fast. I was just put on the stuff yesterday and she tells me to let her know 4 days later how I'm doing? Pills just don't work that fast so I will just tell her that I don't feel them working yet. It would be nice if they did start working that fast. :)

Well I am off to write a post for Smorty. :) Oh and I got a new addition to my family of animals; a rabbit. Her name is Cinnamon. My sister-n- law gave it to me. She is so pretty and tame and she likes to be held. She is still a little scared of us but she will soon get used to us.

How I'm doing with the Seroquel

Since being on the Seroquel I am still having some mood swings. They upped my dose from 300 mgs. to 400 mgs. and they put me on Zoloft to help my anxiety. I have been having a hard time going to Wal-Mart. I start to shake as soon as I enter Wal-Mart because of all of the people in there. They are packed all the time and if I could go shopping after midnight I would. My dad used to go shopping after midnight and says there is hardly anyone in there and it is much better. Another problem I am having is writing checks out. A lot of places have those check machines but there are still places that do not have them so I still have to write checks out and now I shake like crazy when trying to write one. So I told my doctor and she put me on Zoloft to help with the anxiety. I really didn't want to try it because my mom was on it and she said it made her feel like a zombie. She said it made her feel like she was in a daze. But like my doctor says everyone reacts different to these medications so maybe it will actually help me. Sometimes I wonder if anything will actually help me. Hopefully some day soon I can feel like a normal person, whatever that may be.

I am trying to keep this blog up to date and I am trying to get to 20 posts so I can add it to all of the "Pay you to blog" sites that I am a member of. I need to make more money and was told I need more than one blog. Here is my main blog: http://cwilson26.blogspot.com

I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and going through hell with RLS

It has been 3 months since I posted in this blog and the reason for that is because I have been busy with my money making blog. I am sorry I have neglected this one but there is just so much to do that it is hard to keep up with everything that I have taken on. There is just not enough hours in the day to get everything done in time.

Anyway about my depression; I have gotten better thanks to the new meds I am on. I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and first I was put on Lamictal but it gave me a severe allergic reaction and I broke out in a rash. Too bad too because it was a miracle medicine. I never felt better in my whole life when I was on that for 5 weeks. I was so disappointed when I was taken off of it because of that stupid rash. Instead they put me on Seroquel. It is helping me but not as good as the Lamictal was. I am also having side effects with it but they are not as bad. They knock me out at night which in a way is good but also bad. It is good because I needed something to help me sleep but it is bad because it makes me want to sleep in too long in the morning and I don't like that.

I have also aquired restless leg syndrome right along with it. I know it is the meds causing it because it only happens when I take my pill at night. I take one of my husbands Requip and then wait, while suffering, for it to kick in then I am fine. I wouldn't wish RLS on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. You can be dead tired and it will keep you from getting to sleep. I have it so bad at night that when I take my Seroquel I want to go to sleep so bad that I can't keep my eyes open but the RLS keeps me awake. It is pure torture and hell.I am going to tell my doctor about it and find out what I should do because I can't keep going through that at night. I was up until 3:30 AM last night. If anyone doesn't know what RLS is I will tell you. It is a really bad tingly feeling in your legs and sometimes entire body. I get it all through my body. The way I can describe it is it feels like your body is trying to crawl out of your skin. You could be falling asleep and get jerked awake by the tingly feeling. You might be thinking, "Just a tingly feeling? What's so bad about that?" I will tell you what is so bad about it. You can be so tired that you can't keep your eyes open and you could get yourself all comfortable and your whole body feels like it wants to jerk. Last night I tried my damndest to ignore it but it wasn't to be ignored. It was so bad I wanted to cry. Here is how bad it is; my husband is 38 years old and he used to go through it as bad as I have started to and it made him want to cry. It got so bad for him one night he had to go to the hospital to get a valium shot to calm his nerves so he could sleep. It also gets so bad that you cannot sit still. You end up having to walk around and even stand up for awhile. I cannot stress enough how bad it is!! Anyway what I plan to do tonight is take a Requip right along with the Seroquel and see if that helps. That way they will both quick in at the same time and maybe I won't be tortured tonight and I can get some sleep. And if that works then I will call my family doctor tomorrow and make an appointment so I can be put on my own Requip. I also plan to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and let her know what is happening with these pills. I mean they are helping me a lot but I cannot keep going through this hell with the RLS.

Well that is it for this post and I swear I am going to keep this blog up to date like my other one. If you would like to visit my money making blog and find out how I am earning online then click here.

An in between day

It has been almost a week since my last post and I apologise for that. I have been having some up days and some down days and have been busy trying to make money online. Anyway today is an in between day and I think that is the worst. I feel so so but feel really tired as well. I'm not able to get excited about the things I have been getting excited about lately and this sucks. I just wish the meds would make up my own mind for me so I can feel better all the time. I have found though that writing on this blog and other places has helped me in getting it out in the open for others to read. I just wish I didn't feel so tired because that makes it even harder to get anything done.

It is really snowing a lot outside today and I can't wait until Spring. I feel better in the Spring and summer because I am able to get outside and do different things more. I do like the snow but I hate the cold. I would rather be hot than cold. I really don't have much to say today because I feel so damn tired. I hate this feeling. :( If anyone reading this has any comments or would like to share their depression experience then please leave me a comment. I get happy when I receive comments. It shows that people are actually taking a notice on what I have to say and that they are interested. I will try to post again soon when I'm feeling a little better. Thanks for your patience.

How I have lived with depression

Hi there,

I decided to create this blog to share my experiences I have had throughout my life with depression. I am 26 years old and have been dealing with this for a very long time. Just a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with severe depression, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. I have been on several medications for it and nothing has worked until now. I can't be around very many people without having panic attacks and feeling like I'm being judged. I have inherited this from my father's side of the family. My grandfather has been in a mental institution since my dad was 7 and that was almost 50 years ago. My dad's 2 sisters have social anxiety disorder and 1 of his sister's is mentally retarded. My father has mental problems but he won't admit to it and refuses to get help. He really needs the help too. He is very hyper and has bad nerves and he gets angry very easily. He is also an extremely bitter man. He thinks he has a hold on his problems and nothing anyone can say will tell him otherwise. I fear he will be right where his own father is one day soon.

I have been dealing with depression for so long that when I first started feeling better I thought it was too good to be true. I was first on Lexapro and it only helped for a little while and then my husband and I got married and decided after the first year we wanted to try for a baby. So with me being on the Lexapro I was worried about having to go off of it when I got pregnant and going back to feeling bad. I didn't want to go through what a lot of first time mother's have gone through with the post-partem depression. So I did some research online and found out about Wellbrutrin and that a lot of women were taking it while they were pregnant because their doctor's said it was safe. So I went to my doctor and had a talk with her and she refused. She said she didn't agree with what people online said and that she wouldn't give it to me. So I went to my Gynecologist and asked her what she thought and she said she agreed it was safe and suggested I go to my family doctor to have a talk with him. So I did and he agreed that it was safe also and put me on it. The first year it really helped me and I was feeling much better. I was happier and more outspoken and stood up for myself and my family more. But after awhile things changed and the Wellbrutrin quit working. I was miserable again and was very close to suicide. I didn't tell my family because I was afraid they would lock me up in a mental institution and I didn't want to be like my grandfather. I was having trouble getting pregnant and still haven't been able to get pregnant and we decided that we shouldn't try for a baby anymore until I was better. So I just recently went back to my psychiatrist after 2 years and she put me back on Lexapro and it is starting to work. I am feeling a lot better than I have for a long time. I just hope it lasts because I don't want to go back to feeling like I'm worthless again. Anyway this is it for my first post. I will post again in a day or two. Thanks for reading so far. :)

Clarissa Wilson
clarissa@cwilson.ws