When depression really starts?

The depression doesn't start from nowhere. There are usually life experiences that are the cause. Here is the theory I found useful in self-help treatment. It helps to deal with some repeating patterns of your behavior that you may not like and also it may help you to find out what really causes your depression.

In the following theory there are 3 types of states:

- Conscious - things that happen to you and around you that you aware of (you are aware that you're reading this text).

- Subconscious (while reading this text you're also seeing the tip of your nose though after I wrote it the knowledge of the fact that you see it too jumped to your consciousness) - some things that happen to you right now but your mind isn't occupied with them - same with walking or eating - you don't need to think about each your next move - you just put one leg in front of the other or manipulate your fork and knife and food.

- Unconscious. This is going to be a bit long but I hope to explain it. Please ask questions if you find something confusing.

Let's say there's a person who's constantly late to his job. No matter what he does to avoid being late in some way or another he slows down. He blames himself and starts overeating because this helps him feel better. After awhile he realizes he's overweight and blames himself again and promises himself to stop overeating. This causes stress too. He becomes annoyed and starts yelling at his family members and later on he hates this behavior of his too etc etc etc the poor man becomes a time bomb. What he should think about is why he actually was always late to his job. The reason is not obvious. Let's now return to what unconscious state is.

When we're young our mind registers all the incoming signals and tries to classify them. Like our ancestors tried to classify predator/lightning/darkness/... things into dangerous and fire/apples/fresh water/sex into safe things. In a baby's mind mother is in good things because she means safety. On the other hand a dog that scared him will be in bad things. But not just that particular dog but any dog = danger. Let's imagine this child and his parents drove somewhere and suddenly got into a car crash. What would he feel and see? He'll probably feel dizziness and maybe itching in his belly, he'll see his crying mother and also the sun shining and reflecting in a nearby puddle. He'll hear the birds singing. The kid grows up and some day he may go down the street and see a crying woman. He has just had lunch and his belly itches. The day is bright and the sun shines and sun-rays reflect in a puddle and the birds are singing in the nearby park. Suddenly for no obvious reason the man suffers panic attack and runs away. Why? Because just now he's experienced the things that his mind long ago considered linked to danger. This is what his unconscious mind told him.

Now let's get back to the guy who's always late. When he was a kid his mother gave him sweets every day. He had a girlfriend who he always gave half of his sweets because he wanted her to like him and be his friend. One day the little girl was late and the kid was hungry so he waited and waited for her but then ate all sweets. When the girl came and found that out she first burst in tears and then went to the boy's mother and told her he's the one who broke the window. The mother was angry and spanked her son. He never told a girl a thing just stopped seeing her. Now he's a grown up man who forgot this story and now works in the office. He used to be friends with one of his colleagues but once he found out that this colleague has told their boss that the man doesn't pay enough attention to his work. What is the man's reaction? You're right. Each time he goes to job he unconsciously wants to avoid it and that makes him always be late.

Now what should be done in order to break this circle? First of all if you have some behavior of yours that you don't like first of all try to register all the feelings you're having: itchiness, crying spells, etc. Then close your eyes and try to think about your feelings and find any association that comes to your mind. Don't try to seek for it just relax and let your mind show you an answer. If you remembered some situation try to live it again - to feel it. Don't fight your tears or angriness or whatever feelings you have. Express them in the way you should in that situation of long ago. This may make you want to reconsider your feelings about some present situations and thus change the program. Understand that whatever happens to you is not your fault. It is your unconscious mind that dictates your reactions. However now you've realized why and now the things from the unconscious moved to consciousness means you can control them!

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Get rid of disturbing thoughts and memories

Today I'd like to tell you about dreams and memories.

Dreaming the future

There is some exciting activity - dreaming. Dreaming of who you want to become, what you want from your work, partner, life. Dreams inspire, they give us hope and make our belief in good things stronger. Yet there is a thing - a villian of dreams and this is delusion.

When I was even younger than I'm now I used to live in future. I spent hours dreaming and planning what my life will be in the next years. I played movies of future events and future dialogues in my head thinking what I'll do in this or that situation. Not actualy thinking - playing the small comedies and tragedies in my mind. And when one day I woke up looked around and saw nothing of what I've dreamt of I was.. disappointed. My daydreams used to be so realistic and so were my plans that I couldn't believe they are not supposed to come true. And moreover what I did to make them come true actualy turned out into a disaster of my whole life. I got angry. Angry at my friends, I blamed everyone for my faults, everyone who I thought deceived me or didn't care enough of me. Finally I got angry at myself. That I was so stupid to believe in obvious lies, that I didn't make enough effords to achieve what I wanted, that I overdid some things.

The solution came shortly after I took pills to end the nightmare I placed myself in. To skip some time I sat to play one of my favorite computer games.. and it turned out to be much more exciting then death! Sounds ludicruous I know. Yet I'm here and I write these things so maybe it wasn't that stupid after all.

The lesson I took at that time was that dreaming is ok. Dreams add some spice into our life so to say. Delusions are another thing. Delusions is when you start living your dreams which leads to disappointement and pain in reality.

Recollecting the past

Sweet sweet memories of good things and wonderful people and important events... it is so nice to recollect them, to scroll the pages of a photoalbum or a scrap book or to watch home videos. Just don't forget that you can add even more impressions into your personal account. Even right now.

The dark side is bad memories.

This month I have finally solved one of the things that used to drive me crazy for almost half a year - internal dialogues, memories from the past that literally haunted me. Many times a day I caught myself playing some bad moments from my past in my mind over and over again. I changed some events, phrases, details making the events go in various scenarious. I told 'people' different things to 'change' the past to make things go in a different way. But I couldn't really change the past. I knew that but voices in my head kept playing nonetheless. I started thinking about something but in the end I found myself dreaming some awful moments from the past. These dreams exhausted me emotionaly and by the end of the day I was tired, annoyed and irritable. And the worst thing I couldn't stop it.

As undersood the fact that I cannot stop it with my will I made the first step which led to Soultion. I spoke to my husband and told him about all the things that disturbed me. I told him about the dialogues in my head and bad memories and felt easirer. Much easier. The dialogues stopped for about a week which was enough to make my mind.

Living here and now

You see the thoughts about both future and the past are just the different sides of the same coin. These are attempts to escape reality. Unfortunately they change nothing. The cure - 4 steps.

1. First of all speak your problems out. No matter if you share them with your best friend or a complete stranger. Find courage to accept the fact that you have a problem. Telling someone about it is not about complaining it is about telling yourself that you know your problem and not afraid to speak about it and relief your mind from being the only one who knows it.

2. Every time you catch yourself being overwhelmed with disturbing thoughts - don't stop it. Continue thinking about what you thought or dreamed about to the ending. This is again to show yourself that you're not afraid of such thoughts, that you don't run away from them.

3. Take some time to analyze the disturbing thoughts. They don't come from nowhere. Ask yourself why do you want to think about it again and again? Is there something left unsolved? Is there anything you can do about the situation that haunts you? And if so - do it! If there is nothing you can do now but could do when the event took place and you feel guilty about it - don't. Live here and now.

4. Actually tell yourself this phrase every time some bad thoughts approach you. Here and now. It helps. "Here and now I go up the street". "Here and now I make cookies". Think about what's going on here and now, what people surround you, what things are there, weather, sounds. You'll be surprised how many things are left unnoticed when you're occupied with some memories of the past. How many wonderful things are around you just now when you're dreaming about future!

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Let the sunshine in

Good things come and go while bad ones tend to stick in a memory and sometimes even good things pass by unnoticed. This is why a depressed mind spend sleepless nights recollecting the worst events in one's life. This used to happen to me for a long time and only recently have I understood it (thanks to my husband a lot) and would like to change things into a positive way.

There are 3 things I'll keep doing until I achieve positive results:

1. Pause every time as I notice something good even a small thing and enjoy the moment. Not just pass by. My camera helped me a lot last year although I did not fully understand it. I captured wonderful treasures of nature and enjoyed every bit of them. I still recollect last spring and summer with a smile because these are memories of the best moments in my life.

2. Create good things for myself. There are so many pleasures in life: good meal, long bubble bath, nice books, colorful pictures, interesting movies. Self-indulgence is great if you add sense to it.

3. Find positive moments even in bad events. This one is the hardes one for me. See when depressed I usually become a paranoid downer who finds bad sides in almost any event. If something good happens sooner or later I'll have a thought that it'll finish soon and the next is obviously something drastic. Being very touchy I would react to a tiniest bad event as if it is a drama of my whole life. But since this time I will do my best to evaluate every event and make my mind clear.

I will let the sunshine in so it could warm me up these days and advice you to do the same. Here is a song which title I took for this post. Take care!

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When you paint it black

"I was weak. That's why I needed you... needed someone to punish me for my sins... but that's all over now... I know the truth. Now it's time to end this. "

- James Sunderland, Silent Hill 2

In my When your colors fade to gray post I wrote tips on what to do when you want to do smth but too tired to do anything. Here is some piece of advice on what to do when you don't want to do anything at all.

So. You sit in your corner and all you want is to be left along. You don't want to do anything creative, you don't want to skip time reading or watching tv or playing some video game. Nothing is interesting. Everything is dull and unimportant. And you hate this state.

And you love it at the same time. No worries though. Let us start and you'll love a sense of relief too, I promise.

The best way to get over this numb state is to get yourself busy. This of course contradicts your very mood, yet ask yourself if you want to make things better or what? If your wish is to become happier and more creative, then you need to force yourself but only in the beginning.

1. Make a list of long-term projects and place it on your desk so that you can see it. This doesn't mean making a list of things you want to do right now (besides right now you seem to want to do nothing). Switch your emotions off and write the cool things that you dream to do one day: a story or a book to write, a site to create, a painting to draw, a set of flowers to bloom in your garden, some jewelry to make, some new pie to bake (or create a set of your own recipes maybe?), remake your house interior, write some cool program or create a new design model.

2. Divide each project into small pieces. Big projects always look almost impossible until you realize that they can be divided into several small and sweet steps. As you think about some big project chances are it overwhelms you and you put it on a shelf of cool-things-never-to-be-done, which you call a to-do-later stuff. Besides a set of small steps to perform will also keep your mind occupied for a long period of time and thus distract from sad thoughts which is the main goal.

3. Choose 1 project and start with the first step. You may need to force yourself into doing this step. Do it. Even if you don't feel like starting. Start with something.

When I created this blog I copypasted info from other sources which is [info] no doubt interesting and useful. Then I burned out. It wasn't my work that I pasted here so I considered blogging as a mechanical rather then creative activity. I abandoned it for several months. I complained that I couldn't write and did no attempt to actually start writing. I blamed other people, said surrounding conditions discourage me from doing anything. Finally I forced myself into the first step: write down any ideas or experiences to my notepad. Now this blog is based on those notes.

4. Keep away from perfectionism. Trying to make a masterpiece from the first sketch means to burn out soon and for long. Don't try to make a clean copy at once, rather make several drafts. Also don't consider drafts as failures. Only cartoon characters make millions copywrites to tear them to pieces one by one. You instead learn and improve with repetition. Thus it is good to keep a track of your attempts.

5. Be honest to yourself and stop creating extra demons. The problem is in your mind only. Be brave, stop running away from distractions. Be a master of your own universe. Correct your own mistakes instead of cancelling newborn projects just becuse you think they started in a wrong way. Take control ower your life and soon you'll succeed.

In the beginning of this post. James Sunderland - a protagonist from Silent Hill 2 video game saw a pyramid-headed monster spoil his life through the game. In the end, however, he understands that the monster is just a visualization of his own wish of self-torture. He makes a decision [a quote] and starts attaking pyramid head. He does not kill it - because it is not real. Instead the monster kills itself, which means James understood that there is no need to blame external powers and he is the one who controls his life and can improve it. His fear gone.

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A personal note here. Right now I experience a bad period of my life. I don't know what to do about sertain things. My emotions tend to play tricks on me and I don't always control them. Yet I won't give up. I know this. I have lots of projects in my mind and I will bring them into play one by one.

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When your colors fade to gray

You want to do something, but don't know what exactly or where to begin. Yet all your fingers are thumbs and you can't do anything. The colors fade to gray and you end up scrolling time by surfing internet, sleeping or playing solitaire. The worst thing is you start feeling guilty for doing nothing. Here are a few tips that may help if you find yourself in such situation.

The key thing is to shake yourself from blues. This means no passive contemplation. Leave meditation for another case. Here we need some active stuff to do.

0. Stop scrolling time. Solitaire is addicting I know. Yet if you don't stop playing it you won't get any success. (By solitare I mean ANY time-scrolling activity you use).

1. Read and comment. Reading books is ok but not in this case. Find blogs, communities or forums where you will participate in communication. Read the topics and write whatever comes to your head in comments. Questions, ideas, your own experience, associations whatever. Just don't be silent. When I had writer's block - I started with minor comments on some social networks untill my creative juices flew again.

2. Meet your friends. There's nothing good as offline communication. Meet or phone your friends. Ask them the latest news, let them tell you some stories, ask if they got any new hobbies, visited some cool place or web-site. Give them your feedback. Hopefully the stories will make you think or even give you some ideas.

3. Get inspired with visual things like video clips, movies or pictures (Not depressive ones!!!). There are l-o-t-s of resources where artists place their pictures or photos and there are as many video services where you can watch stuff for free. Watch things and write down any associations that come to your mind. They may make you want to do something creative too.

4. Learn something new. If you can't do things you used to - than do something else. Learn a language, search wikipedia for some stuff you don't know and try to understand it, choose some weird field to study, or learn more interesting details about some common stuff. Then share your experience with that. My experience again: 2 years ago I though I'll die of boredom untill found an online guide to html\css that changed my life! Now I can make templates for websites or blogger! Hope to make a blog with my own templates soon!

5. If you can't make a whole thing - make a draft. If you're a writer or an artist - carry a notebad or a sketchbook with you. Write down any idea that comes to you. Yeah I know this one is an old thing. But it damn helpful! You don't need to write a poem in your notepad - just a phrase or two. I have a notepad where I write the ideas for this blog. Moreover, the idea of this post came to me about 2 weeks ago when I chated with my friend who told me the idea of the 1st 2 phrases of this post.

6. If you start doing something and it fails - don't torture yourself and the thing you do. If something fails and you get annoyed - the worst thing to do is to proceed. Better shift to something else. Like pp. 1 - 4.

7. If nothing helps - do something useful that does not require thinking i.e. housework. Not only it is a good thing to water plants or clean the house, but it will also make you head clear when your hands are occupied. I mean when you do some routine things you can think about whatever you want without actually being attached to a clear sheet of paper that makes you feel dumb.

Oh and don't think that I forgot to spoil your mood with some morality. Here goes my favorite one. Stop pitying yourself and start doing something. If you keep thinking that you can't do anything - nothing will ever change. Start doing something and as you proceed you'll have no chance to question yourself - cause you've already started!

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Step 3b: Get rid of trigges

Let us continue dealing with triggers. In the previous post I tried to explain what to do with memory triggers and annoying things. (And if you're new here - here is the beginning of my self-help steps series).

Today let us face web triggers and sensual triggers.

Web triggers

Web triggers are those sites, blogs or communities which somehow worsen your mood. And if you decided to improve your mood and your state try

- not to visit sites which bring you sad memories (i.e. your ex's blog)
- not to visit sites where people share their pain

About the second one: depressed people tend to visit depressive sites and share stories on how bad they feel. However most of the times they feel worse after reading these things. Why? Because consciously or not they try on the others' problems and find correlations with their own. Just like the following way: "John writes that after [some event] he felt so sad. Yeah I usually feel sad after such things too! Like yesterday (...) " - and the damage is done. You read further and further and soak in the depressive environment. Instead visit those pages that either help dealing with problems or where people share success stories.

Sensual triggers

Different people react differently to various sounds, smells or colors and it may seem difficult to control physical reactions to sudden triggers of this kind. However, even autistic people (who have very delicate senses as well as unstable mood patterns) can learn to deal with loud / unpleasant sounds or dazzle lights. Here are some ways to reduce annoyance from sounds, colors and smells.

Sounds

Before I start writing about external sounds let me first ask, what kind of music do you usually listen when feeling sad? L-o-t-s of people (including myself) enjoy listening to depressive music when they're sad. The reason is simple: when you're depressed you pity yourself over and over again, and you LOVE the way it feels and can't get enough of your sorrow. BUT if you want to live withou depression and feel happines because of positive emotions you should stop pitying yourself. Means stop listening to depressive music.

Now external stuff. The best way to reduce annoyance from loud or unpleasant sounds is to actually use ipod or mp3-player which will block external sounds. Just be careful when crossing the street etc! And make sure you have backup batteries or charged accumulators (because I know how annoying it is to have your batteries dead in the middle of your favorite track!).

Colors

There can be some colors in the street that you hate or you can have some ugly-colored things in your surroundings. The simplest tool that will help you to deal with first ones is sunglasses. You can find tons of sunglasses of different styles and colors. Choose whichever you like and make them a part of your image! Have as many sunglasses as you want. Not only will they protect you from dazzling lights and disturbant colors, but they will also make you feel safer. Just accept a small advice: if it is possible take off the glasses when speaking to people important to you because eye contact is a very important part of communication. It can also work perfectly vice versa: you will feel more confident when speaking to an unpleasant person with your glasses on.

What about things you posess or that you have around at home / work - see previous step. In short: try to get rid of these things or ask the person who posesses them to replace these things if it is possible.

Smells

What to do when a gas-helmet is unavailable? Try these tips:

- Bypass the source of unpleasant smell or try to escape it as fast as possible. Hold your breath if needed and if it reminds you something sad - force yourself to think about something else. Or multiply numbers.

- If you cannot bypass the annoying smell but can remove it - do it! The more active you are - the better. The worst thing you can do is to suffer quietly when you can make a positive change.

- If you cannot remove the smell but know that someone can - ask her/him to do so


That's all for this part it seems. And that's all with external disturbants. We dealt with ourselves, people, things and senses. Now it's time for everyday practice. Make changes everyday untill you tick every point in your to-do list. I am sure that you will feel better when have less triggers that worsen your mood.

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Step 3a: Get rid of trigges

In parts 1 and 2 we have dealt with ourselves and people who surround us. Let's now move to distracting objects. If you followed my advice - you should now have a list of disturbing things. Time to classify them. Divide the objects into the following groups or if you don't have a list - then try to fill the following classification:

- Memory triggers (photographs, presents, miscellanous objects in your room, music, videos etc)
- Things that annoy you just with the fact of their existense (furniture, dishware, houseware, some objects in the office/school/institute)
- Web triggers (blogs, sites, communities)
- Sensual triggers (colors, words, phrases, smells, sounds)

You may expand the list and add some categories if necessary. When the list is ready proceed to real actions. Let me start with my own experience.

Memory triggers:

When I first thought about how I am tired of being depressed (by that time enough damage was done) one of the first things I did was that: I took a huge garbage bag and placed it in the middle of my room. Then I opened my paper case, took all the old letters and papers and documents that I will never ever use and threw them all to garbage bag. I threw away the old photos that triggered some bad memories, I sent all the souvenirs, scripts, cds to garbage because a single approach to them made me feel sad.

Then I got to my wardrobe. I took the clothes that I knew I will never ever wear, but kept them anyway. Although I didn't throw them away, I gave them to my neigbours who I knew needed clothes for their small daughter. (Now imagine them carrying a HUGE bag from my appartment to theirs!). After that I decided to have some short rest.

Then I gathered all the things that I knew I'll never use (but kept them anyway for the reason unknown) and sent them to the garbage bag too - the 3d one actually. (Now you can imagine ME carrying 3 HUGE garbage bags to the grbage can!). You get the hint, right?

Things that annoy you just with the fact of their existense

I thought to make some long explanation here, but instead I will tell you what my husband did when faced the problem of old furniture he hated. Yeah he threw it away too. But let me explain the details anyway.

When I first visited his place it was.. well a usual room of a freelancer. A bed, a computer table, a bookshelf and I believe there was some small shelf and a small coffee table. However little by little the number of these objects decreased until finally reached zero. We made an improvised bed from tons of warm blanckets and pillows. The result was a big and warm nest that could be easily taken away and placed back when necessary. The lamps were replaced with luminodiods, the walls were repainted. The computer was moved to the floor so that we could reach it from the nest as well as watch movies.

If you have your own house/appartment you can make it just the way you want. Realize your idea of a sweet home or at least get rid of those things which do not comply with it. Make your home a place where you can rest from everyday stress. I assure you that you won't need to spend l-o-t-s of money to make a change (unless you want to).

If you live in someone's place or with somebody else (i.e. parents) where you cannot make radical changes - try to extract or change at least the most annoying things, find a compromise through the dialog. Explain that certain objects make you feel bad, offer a solution which will satisfy both sides at least halfway. When changing things make sure you will not cause too much discomfort to people you live with.

A small advice before I finish this part: I know that when depressed you will want to paint-it-black. When making the changes listen to your will to feel better, not to your depressive thoughts.

This post seems to be too long already. The rest info on what to do with web and sensual triggers is in the next one.

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Step 2: Accept people as they are (but don't let them upset you)

In step 1 you learnt to accept yourself as you are with all the good and bad sides of your personality (well I hope you did). Now what about other people. They are annoying, they are rude, they are.. they are what they are and most of the times you can do nothing about it. When a person does not want to change - it is almost impossible to to change her/him.

Having read the above you can go sit in the corner and mourn about the unjust way of life. Which of course won't help you. Or you can get furious with the whole world and treat people the bastards they are no matter who. That won't help too.

What will help is an attempt to gain control over every situation. Have you made a list of people who stress you over and over again? Time to deal with each of them depending on every single detail. You know that people are all different. Not everyone who annoys you really means it. They may just never know you're annoyed or sad because of them untill you explain them in a proper way. So if someone disturbs you - don't close yourself, try not to go mad right away - just tell the person that you are not comfortable with what they did and ask not to do that anymore. Try to find some compromise together - it is available in the most of situations unless one of the sides is too stubborn to accept it.

If you are sure that normal dialog is impossible then don't be a victim! Why is it you who should always suffer because of others? Tell the person that you are uncomfortable (if you don't - nothing will change!) make them understand that you're a person and you have an opinion.

It is not always necessary to be rude. In my opinion it is always better not to raise your voice, but if someone tries to interrupt you - just keep talking. When I practiced the things I describe here my usually silent voice turned into strong and 'metallic'. Strong voice means a strong person - practice your voice and tone. When talking to the person also be in a strong position: ask questions and try not to sound guilty or apologetic. It is you who was disturbed than it is a disturbant who is meant to apologize.

Later on after a single succesful dialog you will be proud of yourself. Remeber it! Remember each your success. You will need these memories for self-help. Done? Let's move on to Step 3!

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To-do list : 1. accept yourself

Now as we found the source of depression...

Here's the first point in our to-do list: learn to accept who you are and don't distinguish either your good or bad traits from your personality.

A common thing is: when you feel bad you start thinking about your handicaps, feel guilty, feel sorry for yourself just like these traits are something from outside and has nothing to do with your personality that suffers from their doings. At the same time you never recollect your merits like they don't exist at all.

The fact is both your vices as well as virtues are YOU. And you're quite complicated! Why don't you deny the fact you have a nose or fingers, you don't deny the existence of your heart, your brain, your liver. Then why deny the parts of your character? Nobody's perfect and nobody's a total freak.

Now think: every time you consider yourself stupid, weak, worthless - you cut your chances to actually realize what's wrong in your doing. It's so easy to put a sticker than to digg the problem and find solutions to solve it.

Now to make it short: whatever you are: weak, stupid, crazy - you are who you are and there's nothing good or bad in it. Understand it. Accept it. Having done that move to the second step.

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Find the source of your depression

I haven't posted here for a month already and I'll tell you why: I was dealing with things that disturbed me.

Although it can be hard, but trying to shift daily routine to think what actually worries you may be the start of yor self-therapy. You see: depression usually starts with: "I feel bad because of ". Later on it converts into "I feel bad because I feel bad because I feel bad...." - reasons - true and imaginary mix and multiply in your mind so that you kind of forget of the original reasons of your sad state.

Once you have uncovered some moment or event, from which everything started to go wrong - chances are you will find the cure too. The main mistake is to fight symptomes instead of eliminating the source.

Here are some steps I designed and used:

1. Relax and start untwisting the events of the latest days. Find those triggers that worsened your mood recently. Someone who told you things which made you feel bad, something that happened in a wrong way etc.

The key here is to prescind the facts from your emotions or the circle will start going round and round and instead of analyzing the facts you will continue going through bad emotions over and over again.

Relax. Think what made you feel bad today, yesterday, this week. Write it down - it'll help your analysis later. Now don't pause to think over the events. The goal now is to collect information.

2. Practice #1 for as much as it is needed to collect enough facts. It must take from a week to a month to do so. Now it is time for a deep analysis. Ask your notes: what places\people\events make you feel bad. Go further: what colors\sounds\smells\objects are the most annoying. Which words, phrases, tones you don't like.

Here the main thing is again to shift your depressed emotions away. It is them who whispers in your ears: "I want to be left along in a dark room with noone to disturb me, with some saddening music around or no sounds at all". I'll try to explain you why these thoughts are a disaster for anyone depressed.

Make a list of those things that disturb you and make you feel bad. Step by step, answer, what exactly do you hate about your work, what are the most annoying things at home, what do your friends/relatives do wrong.

As you have a roll of reasons on why to kill your neigbors, sell your house, quit job, and commit suicide in front of you - proceed to my next post. There's an alternative to-do list!

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Improving Self-Esteem

Along with antidepressant therapy I would like to offer you some more ways to improve your state. Medicinres are ok of course, but why don't help you body get well faster by using these simple techniques. Moreover if you prefer natural remedies, these advices will help you feel better too.

Below I am posting tips on how to learn to estemate yourself higher.

"1. Make a List of Strengths and Positive Attributes

Sit down with a pen and paper and list all the strengths that you have as well as all the positive things that you can say about yourself. This could include skills that you may have (e.g. cooking) or attributes that you possess (e.g. pretty eyes, a lovely voice).

Include in this list all the positive things that you have ever heard people say about you. These do not need to be things with which you necessarily agree. For example, if someone has told you that you have attractive handwriting, but you don't agree - include it on the list. After all, the opinions of others are just as valid as yours, aren't they?

It is also a good idea to go to close friends, colleagues, and relatives and ask them to name three positive things about you - include these on the list as well.

Take a few days to do this exercise. You will be surprised at what you will come up with!
Some people find it hard to make a list of positive things about themselves. If this happens to you, it probably has its root in your childhood. Many people are taught that it is conceited and 'bad' to say anything positive about themselves. If it makes you uncomfortable to write down complimentary things about yourself, there is all the more reason to work at it. Do it even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

2. Learn to Accept Compliments

Are you the sort of person who feels awkward when other people compliment you? Do you find it difficult to know what to say in response to a compliment?

If you are, begin to practice receiving compliments graciously. If some one compliments you, say 'Thank you' and smile at them. Do not try and discredit the other person's words by pointing out negative things about yourself, like 'It's just an old dress', 'I was just lucky', 'I usually mess up'. Receive the compliment and learn to take pleasure in it. This may be difficult at first, but if you practice it will become easier.

If you allow other people to compliment you, you will help yourself to feel more positive and may even begin to like yourself more.

3. Don't Keep Putting Yourself Down!

People with low self-esteem often say negative things about themselves and may even go out of their way to put themselves down in company and point out their faults when it is not necessary to do so.

Pay attention to how you speak about yourself. Do you say negative things about yourself and your abilities? 'I can't......', or ‘I'm not good at .....', or 'I always make mistakes .....’? Do you deliberately point out your perceived faults or imperfections?

If you recognize this tendency, begin to work on avoiding negative references to yourself. Ask friends and family to remind you when you do so and correct yourself. Change 'I can't' to 'It's difficult, but I can try'. Find positive things to say about yourself rather than criticism. Practice this as much as you can.

4. Stop Apologizing!

Are you always saying 'I'm sorry'? People with low self-esteem often have a habit of apologizing for themselves all the time. If they meet someone in a passage, they say 'I'm sorry'. If they want to speak to someone, they say 'I'm sorry'. Whenever they have to get someone's attention, they say 'I'm sorry'.

Sorry for what? For existing?

Stop apologizing and recognize that you have a right to be around and to be heard. Instead of saying 'I'm sorry' all the time, begin smiling at people - it is much more positive!

5. Try New Things

If your self-esteem is low, the chances are that you avoid trying new things and meeting new people. This only reinforces your negative perception of yourself. What you need to do is to provide yourself with the opportunity to experience success and pleasure in what you do. This will increase your self-esteem and will make you more confident to try even more new things.

So take up a new hobby, begin a sport, sign up for gym membership or join a hiking club or dance class. Do things that you have never done before like go for a massage or a facial. Buy a cookbook and try out new recipes. Invite some friends around for dinner. The list is endless!

6. Spend Time with People who Help You to Feel Good about Yourself

This is an important one! People with low self-esteem will often allow themselves to be used, bullied and abused. Sometimes they behave like doormats and allow other people to order them around and take advantage of them. They may also seek out people who are negative about life and have difficulty seeing the positive in anything.

If you are being pushed around and feel unappreciated, learn to say 'NO' when you feel like you want to! Choose to spend time with people whose company you enjoy and spend less time with people who do not contribute to your sense of well being. If you are in an abusive or destructive relationship, get out of it or seek professional help. Do an 'audit' of your relationships and stop spending time and energy on people who bring nothing positive to your life. The longer you allow yourself to be unappreciated and taken advantage of, the worse you will feel about yourself. You can change that!

7. Treat Yourself with Respect and Consideration

If you do not respect yourself and see your needs as important, then no one else will do so either. Learn not to always put yourself last and be in touch with your needs.
Look after your physical self. Have your hair cut, dress in clothes that you like and take care of your grooming and your health. Spoil yourself with things that you enjoy like bubble baths and special treats. Do things that help you to feel good.

Look after your environment. Keep your home tidy and spend time and energy making your environment beautiful. Polish a table, buy yourself some flowers, use scented oils in your bedroom, open the curtains and let the sun come in. Organize your work space and personalize it to express your personality. All these things are important ways of showing yourself that you are worth caring for. If you do them often, you will be surprised to find other people beginning to do them for you as well!

8. Smile at Other People and Look Them in the Eye

People who lack confidence often avoid eye contact and spend their time looking down at the ground.

Stop looking down! Look up and greet people. Look them in the eye and smile. Say 'Hi!' Most people will smile back and the friendly response will feel good. This may seem like a small thing, but it will also help you to feel more positive about yourself.

9. Be Aware of your Body Language

Stand up straight! Put your shoulders back and your head up. Posture plays a more important role than we realize in how we feel about ourselves. Stooping and making your body less noticeable is a subconscious way of communicating that you are not worthy to take up space in your surroundings and conveys a message of subjugation and humility to others - an 'I'm not good enough' message.

Help yourself to feel better and more confident by standing straight and tall!

10. If Nothing Changes, Get Help

These are all practical exercises that you can do to help yourself to feel more confident and to increase your sense of self worth. Obviously you cannot expect to change overnight and old habits and perceptions are hard to break.

However, if you have really tried to change the way that you feel about yourself and find that you are fighting a loosing battle, don't give up and feel that you can never change. An experienced counselor can help you to change the negative ways that you relate to yourself and help you to develop a more positive sense of self-esteem. It is well worth the investment in time and money to work on your self-esteem. One of the great joys of being a therapist is seeing people's lives change drastically for the better once they begin to see themselves in a more positive light!"

Taken from Self-Esteem - eBooklet

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