I have had a pretty good weekend. I know the seroqoul is working and I think the Zoloft is working finally. I have only been on it for a couple of weeks. I have been pretty busy all weekend and haven't had time to get things done online but I'm trying to get caught up with all of my blogs. Tomorrow I hope I will have time to start my new blog. It will be a blog just for other blog reviews. I have a whole lot of other blogs bookmarked so I will be doing reviews of them and giving some link love to my fellow bloggers. I did start this on my blogchex blog but I don't think any of the "pay you to blog" sites accept blogchex blogs so I am starting it with blogger.
Anyway I have been feeling better lately and I will keep posting about how I'm doing on this medication. Here is something interesting my counselour told me the other day. It seems that I am not only Bi-Polar but I also have Social Phobia, Agoraphobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I guess I'm totally messed up in the head. I get this from my dad's side of the family because my grandfather has been in a mental institution since my dad was 7 and now my dad is 54, my dad's brother is agoraphobic, 2 of his sisters are mentally retarded and 2 of them have social anxiety disorder or if you want to call it social phobia it is the same thing. There is one big difference with me and them though; I have gotten the help I needed so desperately and am overcoming it. I am getting through it. I still can't go to social events and I still shake when I go grocery shopping but I am slowly trying to be normal whatever that may be. My dad has some big issues mentally and emotionally and refuses to get help. I feel so bad for him because I know what he is going through but he won't get help. No matter how many times I tell him that he will feel better on medication and that the place I go to will give him free samples and won't charge him for going there until he gets health insurance he still won't do it. There was a time that I thought my husband and I had him talked into it but no go and I don't think he will ever get the help he needs. It saddens me because I know that he is screaming inside his own head and he is so unhappy but you can't force someone to get help if they don't want it. I feel so bad for my dad but there is nothing I can do about it except be there for him and listen to him when he goes on and on about his job or something else he complains about. As much as he drives us all nuts with his constant ramblings he is still my father and I love him and will always be here for him no matter what. Even though my dad would rather talk to my husband and he doesn't show me that he loves me I still love him and I always will. I can't even think about when the time comes for my parents to die. It is something that I just can't think about because it will drive me deeper into the insanity that I am already in. I love them and have always been close to them and can't think about life without them. I still don't cuss around them and I don't smoke around my father. My mom doesn't mind and I am going to be 27 this month but sometimes I still feel like a child when I'm around them. Sometimes I want to go climb on my dad's lap like I did when I was a little girl and sometimes I want to grab my mom and kiss her and hug her as much as I can. I know I could kiss them and hug them as much as I can but I don't want to make them feel awkward because I'm an adult. Or maybe I will feel awkward instead of them.
Today is my brothers birthday. If he was still alive today he would be turning 37. He died when he was 22. Him and his wife were getting a divorce because he found out she was cheating on him with one of his so called friends. He asked her for a divorce but she didn't want one. She instead had him killed by his so called friend that she was cheating with. Of course we all believe and always will believe that she is the the one who did the actual shooting. We think that her boyfriend just took the blame for her. Now her boyfriend is dead and she is still walking free. Her boyfriend killed himself a few years ago. We think maybe he couldn't live with the guilt anymore. I don't know but if my brother would have never met her he would be living a happy life today. He was an alcoholic and drug addict back then but right before he was killed he was trying to get his life straightened out. He was planning on going to art school. He was a talented artist and he also wrote poems. I got his poetic side but I can only write poems when I'm depressed. My brother was the same way. You could be totally depressed and all you had to do was call him up and he would make you laugh until your sides hurt. He was a great big brother. I was 12 when he died. It would have been nice to get to know him as an adult. This is for you Tom; Happy Birthday. We love you and miss you with all our hearts and souls. I will see you one day on the other side.
My other blogs:
http://cwilson26.blogspot.com
http://cwilson26-entertainment.blogspot.com
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