Don't get stuck in a swamp with your friends

This is the answer to comment from Joi:

"Realizing that we have more power than we give ourselves credit for helps a lot. Sometimes we just have to switch people OFF the way we do our television or radio when they annoy us!"

It is obvious that usually we communicate with people who we like and avoid those we don't. However, there are situations when we think we have to stand annoying persons for some reason. I will not go deeply into relations with strangers or acquaintances this time. Just a short notice:

You have almost all possible ways to avoid communication with strangers that bother you. Just don't let guilt or underconfidence stop you. You can behave in a same way with aquaintances unless you don't want to break with them off completelly. In this case you can tell them you're either not interested in (or even hate) the particular topic or don't have time for it. In any way remember that you have no obligation to communicate with either of them.

Friends and relatives are a different case. The hardest part here is to actually understand that some of them make you feel sad or depressed. It is a common thing that there are successful people who walk the walk and those who are stuck in a swamp and try to suck as many people with them as possible. Let me explain.

Say you have some idea. You share it with a person and s/he finds tons of reasons why you shouldn't even bother with that. S/he'll tell you the stories of those who tried smth similar and failed, warns you about those difficulties here and there.

In the second case the person agrees with you that it is a great idea and is eager to join you in its realization. But he cannot spare a minute today. Tomorrow perhaps or the next week or well later. Just a little bit later. You wait for him ask him what's the progress and s/he is still eager to participate. S/he will discuss all the tiny details with you, show you their interest yet do nothing practical... Untill you burn out and leave your idea for good.

Now I may be saying a harsh thing, still: these people are loosers. But not just that. They make you become a looser too! They are stuck im their swamp of routine and fears and suck everyone who gets close to them.

A golden rule of all sucessful people is not to communicate with loosers. Never listen to advices of loosers. How dare they advice you something if they cannot improve even their own life! And what kind of advices do they tell you: "don't do this and that because I know it'll make you no good". The fact is they won't see any good in whatever you do. But they do so not because they are bad.

I used to have two friends who were nice people by all means. We loved to dine together, visited each other often, enjoyed speaking about different things. But when it came to something more important like joint business one of them started complaining like "what if we fail" without even starting, and the other one gave hope by joining me, gave 1000 and 1 advice on how to work out some details of little importance but never did a thing.

Now if you realize that someone makes you feel bad in some way - choose between friendship and your sanity. Don't let them imbog you. Switch them off.

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Step 3b: Get rid of trigges

Let us continue dealing with triggers. In the previous post I tried to explain what to do with memory triggers and annoying things. (And if you're new here - here is the beginning of my self-help steps series).

Today let us face web triggers and sensual triggers.

Web triggers

Web triggers are those sites, blogs or communities which somehow worsen your mood. And if you decided to improve your mood and your state try

- not to visit sites which bring you sad memories (i.e. your ex's blog)
- not to visit sites where people share their pain

About the second one: depressed people tend to visit depressive sites and share stories on how bad they feel. However most of the times they feel worse after reading these things. Why? Because consciously or not they try on the others' problems and find correlations with their own. Just like the following way: "John writes that after [some event] he felt so sad. Yeah I usually feel sad after such things too! Like yesterday (...) " - and the damage is done. You read further and further and soak in the depressive environment. Instead visit those pages that either help dealing with problems or where people share success stories.

Sensual triggers

Different people react differently to various sounds, smells or colors and it may seem difficult to control physical reactions to sudden triggers of this kind. However, even autistic people (who have very delicate senses as well as unstable mood patterns) can learn to deal with loud / unpleasant sounds or dazzle lights. Here are some ways to reduce annoyance from sounds, colors and smells.

Sounds

Before I start writing about external sounds let me first ask, what kind of music do you usually listen when feeling sad? L-o-t-s of people (including myself) enjoy listening to depressive music when they're sad. The reason is simple: when you're depressed you pity yourself over and over again, and you LOVE the way it feels and can't get enough of your sorrow. BUT if you want to live withou depression and feel happines because of positive emotions you should stop pitying yourself. Means stop listening to depressive music.

Now external stuff. The best way to reduce annoyance from loud or unpleasant sounds is to actually use ipod or mp3-player which will block external sounds. Just be careful when crossing the street etc! And make sure you have backup batteries or charged accumulators (because I know how annoying it is to have your batteries dead in the middle of your favorite track!).

Colors

There can be some colors in the street that you hate or you can have some ugly-colored things in your surroundings. The simplest tool that will help you to deal with first ones is sunglasses. You can find tons of sunglasses of different styles and colors. Choose whichever you like and make them a part of your image! Have as many sunglasses as you want. Not only will they protect you from dazzling lights and disturbant colors, but they will also make you feel safer. Just accept a small advice: if it is possible take off the glasses when speaking to people important to you because eye contact is a very important part of communication. It can also work perfectly vice versa: you will feel more confident when speaking to an unpleasant person with your glasses on.

What about things you posess or that you have around at home / work - see previous step. In short: try to get rid of these things or ask the person who posesses them to replace these things if it is possible.

Smells

What to do when a gas-helmet is unavailable? Try these tips:

- Bypass the source of unpleasant smell or try to escape it as fast as possible. Hold your breath if needed and if it reminds you something sad - force yourself to think about something else. Or multiply numbers.

- If you cannot bypass the annoying smell but can remove it - do it! The more active you are - the better. The worst thing you can do is to suffer quietly when you can make a positive change.

- If you cannot remove the smell but know that someone can - ask her/him to do so


That's all for this part it seems. And that's all with external disturbants. We dealt with ourselves, people, things and senses. Now it's time for everyday practice. Make changes everyday untill you tick every point in your to-do list. I am sure that you will feel better when have less triggers that worsen your mood.

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Step 3a: Get rid of trigges

In parts 1 and 2 we have dealt with ourselves and people who surround us. Let's now move to distracting objects. If you followed my advice - you should now have a list of disturbing things. Time to classify them. Divide the objects into the following groups or if you don't have a list - then try to fill the following classification:

- Memory triggers (photographs, presents, miscellanous objects in your room, music, videos etc)
- Things that annoy you just with the fact of their existense (furniture, dishware, houseware, some objects in the office/school/institute)
- Web triggers (blogs, sites, communities)
- Sensual triggers (colors, words, phrases, smells, sounds)

You may expand the list and add some categories if necessary. When the list is ready proceed to real actions. Let me start with my own experience.

Memory triggers:

When I first thought about how I am tired of being depressed (by that time enough damage was done) one of the first things I did was that: I took a huge garbage bag and placed it in the middle of my room. Then I opened my paper case, took all the old letters and papers and documents that I will never ever use and threw them all to garbage bag. I threw away the old photos that triggered some bad memories, I sent all the souvenirs, scripts, cds to garbage because a single approach to them made me feel sad.

Then I got to my wardrobe. I took the clothes that I knew I will never ever wear, but kept them anyway. Although I didn't throw them away, I gave them to my neigbours who I knew needed clothes for their small daughter. (Now imagine them carrying a HUGE bag from my appartment to theirs!). After that I decided to have some short rest.

Then I gathered all the things that I knew I'll never use (but kept them anyway for the reason unknown) and sent them to the garbage bag too - the 3d one actually. (Now you can imagine ME carrying 3 HUGE garbage bags to the grbage can!). You get the hint, right?

Things that annoy you just with the fact of their existense

I thought to make some long explanation here, but instead I will tell you what my husband did when faced the problem of old furniture he hated. Yeah he threw it away too. But let me explain the details anyway.

When I first visited his place it was.. well a usual room of a freelancer. A bed, a computer table, a bookshelf and I believe there was some small shelf and a small coffee table. However little by little the number of these objects decreased until finally reached zero. We made an improvised bed from tons of warm blanckets and pillows. The result was a big and warm nest that could be easily taken away and placed back when necessary. The lamps were replaced with luminodiods, the walls were repainted. The computer was moved to the floor so that we could reach it from the nest as well as watch movies.

If you have your own house/appartment you can make it just the way you want. Realize your idea of a sweet home or at least get rid of those things which do not comply with it. Make your home a place where you can rest from everyday stress. I assure you that you won't need to spend l-o-t-s of money to make a change (unless you want to).

If you live in someone's place or with somebody else (i.e. parents) where you cannot make radical changes - try to extract or change at least the most annoying things, find a compromise through the dialog. Explain that certain objects make you feel bad, offer a solution which will satisfy both sides at least halfway. When changing things make sure you will not cause too much discomfort to people you live with.

A small advice before I finish this part: I know that when depressed you will want to paint-it-black. When making the changes listen to your will to feel better, not to your depressive thoughts.

This post seems to be too long already. The rest info on what to do with web and sensual triggers is in the next one.

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Step 2: Accept people as they are (but don't let them upset you)

In step 1 you learnt to accept yourself as you are with all the good and bad sides of your personality (well I hope you did). Now what about other people. They are annoying, they are rude, they are.. they are what they are and most of the times you can do nothing about it. When a person does not want to change - it is almost impossible to to change her/him.

Having read the above you can go sit in the corner and mourn about the unjust way of life. Which of course won't help you. Or you can get furious with the whole world and treat people the bastards they are no matter who. That won't help too.

What will help is an attempt to gain control over every situation. Have you made a list of people who stress you over and over again? Time to deal with each of them depending on every single detail. You know that people are all different. Not everyone who annoys you really means it. They may just never know you're annoyed or sad because of them untill you explain them in a proper way. So if someone disturbs you - don't close yourself, try not to go mad right away - just tell the person that you are not comfortable with what they did and ask not to do that anymore. Try to find some compromise together - it is available in the most of situations unless one of the sides is too stubborn to accept it.

If you are sure that normal dialog is impossible then don't be a victim! Why is it you who should always suffer because of others? Tell the person that you are uncomfortable (if you don't - nothing will change!) make them understand that you're a person and you have an opinion.

It is not always necessary to be rude. In my opinion it is always better not to raise your voice, but if someone tries to interrupt you - just keep talking. When I practiced the things I describe here my usually silent voice turned into strong and 'metallic'. Strong voice means a strong person - practice your voice and tone. When talking to the person also be in a strong position: ask questions and try not to sound guilty or apologetic. It is you who was disturbed than it is a disturbant who is meant to apologize.

Later on after a single succesful dialog you will be proud of yourself. Remeber it! Remember each your success. You will need these memories for self-help. Done? Let's move on to Step 3!

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To-do list : 1. accept yourself

Now as we found the source of depression...

Here's the first point in our to-do list: learn to accept who you are and don't distinguish either your good or bad traits from your personality.

A common thing is: when you feel bad you start thinking about your handicaps, feel guilty, feel sorry for yourself just like these traits are something from outside and has nothing to do with your personality that suffers from their doings. At the same time you never recollect your merits like they don't exist at all.

The fact is both your vices as well as virtues are YOU. And you're quite complicated! Why don't you deny the fact you have a nose or fingers, you don't deny the existence of your heart, your brain, your liver. Then why deny the parts of your character? Nobody's perfect and nobody's a total freak.

Now think: every time you consider yourself stupid, weak, worthless - you cut your chances to actually realize what's wrong in your doing. It's so easy to put a sticker than to digg the problem and find solutions to solve it.

Now to make it short: whatever you are: weak, stupid, crazy - you are who you are and there's nothing good or bad in it. Understand it. Accept it. Having done that move to the second step.

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