As a practicing Child Psychologist in Delhi, I frequently see cases of child-parent conflict. There can be various reasons for that. There is no one way to have a excellent relationship with your child. There are various ways in which parents can be with their children and build a healthy bond with them. A parent's relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child's actions -- including child behavior problems. If you don't have a good relationship with your child, they're not going to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and agree with them. If it's someone we just don't like, we will ignore their opinion.
There are 10 principles/ psychology lessons on parenting:
1. What you do matters. "This is one of the most important principle". "What you do makes a difference. Your kids are watching you. When the child observes you, he tries to imitate that action, as you are the only role-model to them. Home is first school of the child.
2. Word Selection: Your language is the most powerful tool. Your word-selection, tone, pitch and volume play a very crucial role in the perception of praise and reinforcement.
3. Focus on Appropriate Behaviours: Appropriate behaviours are behaviours that are desired by caregivers. And they should try to reward those behaviours everytime they happen. Your child should perceive that you appreciate him.
4. Be involved in your child's life. "Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically."
Being involved does not mean doing a child's homework -- or reading it over or correcting it. "Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not". If you do the homework, you're not letting the teacher know what the child is learning.
5. Adapt your parenting to fit your child. Keep pace with your child's development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child's behavior.
"The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say 'no' all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained". The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.
For example: An eighth grader is easily distracted, irritable. His grades in school are suffering. He's argumentative. Should parents push him more, or should they understand so his self-esteem doesn't suffer?
"With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of things". He may be depressed. He could be getting too little sleep. Is he staying up too late? It could be he simply needs some help in structuring time to allow time for studying. He may have a learning problem. Pushing him to do better is not the answer. The problem needs to be diagnosed by a professional.
6. Body-Language: Body Language speaks more than words. It is important to realize that the way you maintain eye-contact, way you touch the child, your posture all these play a role in making your child feel good.
7. Establish and set rules. "If you don't manage your child's behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren't around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself."
"But you can't micromanage your child". "Once they're in middle school, you need let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene."
8. Foster your child's independence. "Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she's going to need both."
Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else.
9. Be consistent. "If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child's misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiable. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it."
"When parents aren't consistent, children get confused. You have to force yourself to be more consistent."
10. Avoid harsh discipline. Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances. "Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children. They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.
11. Communication between Family Members: Relation between family members plays a significant role in child's life. If the child sees adjustment problems in his parents life, then he will develop same way to cope with problems. Parents need to improve their problem-solving skills.
12. Treat your child with respect: "The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully". "You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Simply being aware that your child is a human being - one who has needs just like yours and must be respected just like you.
As a child psychologist practicing in Delhi, I feel that parents need to continuously work with themselves, introspect and analyse their behavior for right growth of their child.
Deepali Batra
Consultant Child & Clinical Psychologist
09818425297
Deepali Batra is a well-known clinical and child psychologist and holds good experience as Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist. Based in west Delhi she along with her professional team provides treatment for children problems.
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