How was everyone's Christmas?

To tell you the truth mine was bad. I have been pretending that I was happy for all of my online friends but the truth is I didn't have a Christmas. My husband never did get out of jail like we were hoping and now he won't be out until January 17th so I didn't get my one and only Christmas wish. I hope everyone else had a good Christmas though. Since my hubby has been in jail I was put on Clonopin for my nerves. This is because of how depressed I have been from missing him so much. They help but I still miss him a lot and can't wait until he comes home. I am planning a big dinner and I am actually trying to make enough money online to be able to buy him a nice Christmas present for his homecoming.

I didn't want anyone to buy me anything but of course my mom bought me a nice warm robe and my aunt bought me a new hat and scarf. It was nice of them to think of me but I truly didn't want them to buy me anything because I couldn't afford to buy anyone anything because of the debt I am in. I only wanted one thing and that was for my husband to come home. Anyway I really didn't want to talk about this but I needed to get it off of my chest and what better way than to write it in my depression blog since I am depressed. Anyway, here's hoping that the New year brings all of us better things and here's to hoping that next Christmas will be better. I hope I didn't bring anyone down for writing this but I had to write it down to see if I could feel a little better. It really didn't work though. Thanks for reading my depressing ramblings.

My main blog

My Yuwie blog

My AC articles

My Squidoo lens

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

Do you ask yourself "Why does God allow suffering?"

I will tell you from first hand experience that I have been through hell and back in my days. I am still young but I sure have been through a lot as, I'm sure, everyone has. We all have our bad days and our good days but what happens when we go through a really awful time and it seems like there is no hope of ever getting back to the good times? I can tell you the things I have been through have been hard and sometimes it seems like once something bad happens everything falls down on me after. Sometimes it's like a domino effect; one bad thing follows another and another and another until it seems like we just can't take it anymore and feel all hope is lost. But have you ever really sat down and thought about why these bad things happen? I have and to tell you the truth I have learned a lot of things while having a streak of bad luck. The terrible ordeals I have been through have only made me stronger and made me decide to reach out to God more.

In my last post I told you about how my husband went to jail for driving without his license and even though it is a bad thing because I miss him terribly I have realized that that was God's way of telling us "Hey you can't be driving." You know why he shouldn't be driving? Because he has a seizure disorder and the last time he was behind the wheel he had a seizure while driving and almost died. About a short month after he went to court, and this was his second offense, and the judge sentenced him to 90 days in jail. Sure we were upset, mad, even angry with God. We wondered why God could let this happen. I think there are a couple of other reasons this happened to us. One reason could be because I depended on my husband too much and I think I needed to learn how to live on my own and take care of myself and do things that I never had to do before because my husband was always here to do them. I never, ever imagined that I would be without him one day but you know what? This is not the only time I will be without him and this is only temporary because he will hopefully be home within the next week or so. I have realized that one day, if his time comes before mine, he will be gone and I won't get to be with him again until I get to heaven. So maybe this was God's way of telling me I had to live on my own and do things for myself. For example, one of my cats died a couple of weeks ago, she was only about a month old, and I found her dead and cried my eyes out of course but my husband wasn't here to bury her like he has done for all of our other animals we have lost over the years. So I buried her and I have never buried an animal before in my entire life. But I did it and it wasn't hard to do, except it was hard on my heart, but it wasn't physically hard.

Another thing I have learned, and my husband has too since being in jail and away from me, is that we have such a deep and strong love for each other we can get through anything life throws at us. It seems our love has grown even stronger since we have been apart and we miss each other so much it hurts but we know it won't be too much longer before he gets home. This is just another example of God trying to tell us something.

Anyway I found a wonderful website that talks about reasons why God allows suffering. There is so much evil in this world and a lot of suffering. A lot of people are suffering much more than I am and I have also learned that. Some people think their life is so bad that no one can possibly have it worse but a lot of people are so much worse off than you and I. What about the homeless? What about people in different countries who are starving or freezing to death? What about the many innocent people who die in terrorists attacks every day in certain countries? What about children who are abused either sexually, mentally, or physically? Think about what they might be going through and then ask yourself if your life is really that bad.

I know people who complain about everything and I do mean everything. They complain about the house they live in or the car they drive or the job they have. They complain about the food they eat and the clothes they wear. Ok to those people I say, at least you have a house to live in and a car to drive. At least you have a job and even if it doesn't pay that much at least it pays the bills. At least you have clothes to wear and food to eat. A lot of people don't have homes, food, cars, jobs, money or anything. So be thankful for what you do have and Thank God for what you do have. I know I am thankful every day for the roof over my head and food in my fridge. I might not have money for Christmas presents this year but the best Christmas present I could have is my husband home and food on our table. That is all I want. Of course I want things to get better for everyone but I am not worried about going out and spending money on presents that I don't have because all I need is my family and a nice dinner to sit down to with them.

Sorry for the long article but this website really made me think about life and why people suffer. The reason I have come up with is because God wants us to learn from the bad things that happen. I can't really say why God allows so many people to suffer such as the homeless, or abused children but I can say that the bad things I have gone through have made me the strong person I am today and has made me really reach out to God and to be thankful for the things I do have instead of complaining about the things I don't have. Why worry about material possessions in this world when we won't be taking them with us to the next world?

Anyway if you do have that question burning in your mind and heart, "Why does God allow suffering?" then please click on the link and check out this wonderful website. There is a course you can take to help you understand more about why there is so much suffering in the world today and maybe even open you up to new ideas and new insights about God and how much He does love all of us and is there for all of us. Maybe this course will help you to understand more about God's will and what he wants you to do with your life. We all have a purpose in life and maybe this will help you find yours. Anyway God bless and Merry Christmas!

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

Sorry it has been a while

It has been a long time since I last posted and for that I am sorry. I have been busy and have had a lot of stuff going on in my life. Too much for me to handle but I have finally accepted it.

My husband is in jail right now for driving without his license. I know he shouldn't have done it but we had no other way to get around considering I do not have my license yet. The reason I don't have mine is because with this social phobia I also now have a driving phobia. I can drive and I am trying to get over it but I get scared when there is a lot of traffic and I also get scared at night. I am not afraid of the dark I am just afraid to drive in the dark. But I have to get over it so I got my permit again and now I need to practice my parking because that is the main thing I am afraid I will fail because I cannot park in between 2 cars.

So anyway in order for my husband to get to work he had to drive himself and the reason he doesn't have his license is because he had too many DUI's from the past and they took them. So in order for him to get them back he has to pay a $675 re-instatement fee. So we got pulled over and got a speeding ticket and he had to go to court and then he was in a bad car wreck because he had a seizure at the wheel and had to go in front of the same judge so he got 90 days in jail. At least he is alive because he almost died in that wreck. I miss him terribly though. We talk on the phone every once in a while and I can see him every Thursday. We also write to each other but it is not the same. I want him home with me where he belongs.

So since he is in jail I had to have my Serouquel reduced back down to 200 mgs. instead of 400 because 400 knocks me out so bad that I can't wake up for anything. With him being gone I need to be alert in case a fire happens or anything else. So she reduced that and increased my Zoloft to 100 mgs. It seems to be working out ok but she also had to put me on Klonopin to help calm my nerves. I was crying myself to sleep every night for the first 2 weeks. I am ok now and have accepted it and I know he will be home soon. I look forward to his phone calls and his letters and to be able to see him once a week. I miss him so much though. He is my best friend, my husband, my partner for life.

Anyway I will write again soon. :)

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

A lot has happened lately

Wow a lot has happened since I last posted and it hasn't been all that great. I really don't know where to start. Well my husband has a seizure disorder along with the many other things he has wrong with him, including Bi-Polar Disorder, depression, deteriated disks in his lower back, Restless leg syndrome and many other things. The thing is with his seizure disorder that the meds he is on, Dilantin, has kept his seizures under control and he hasn't had one in over two years and that has been great, Well on September, 7th he woke up early as usual and woke me up to let me know that he was driving up to the store to get a pack of cigarettes. I was half asleep but I heard him. I couldn't have imagined that what happened within 10 minutes later would have happened because like I said he hasn't had a seizure in over two years, which has been wonderful for both of us. Do you know anyone who has a seizure disorder? Have you ever seen someone go through one before? If not, it is not a pretty sight. Anyway back to what happened next.

I remember I decided to get up and lay down on the living couch and fall back to sleep. See I'm not an early bird like my husband is. He gets up at the crack of dawn almost every day and I like to sleep in until 9am as often as I can. This was around 7 am when all of this happened and it happened so fast it was like a dream. I remember yelling at the puppy that we have been dog sitting for the past two weeks because he wanted me to get up and play and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. And then I remember someone pounding on our front door so I got up and looked out the window to see who it was. This man was outside so I ran outside to see what he wanted and that is when he told me the most dreadful thing , my husband was in a very bad car accident and I need to get up there to him. I asked him where it happened and he said right up the road. He wanted to give me a ride up but I needed to throw a pair of sweats on because I was sleeping in my husband's boxers so I told him I would walk up since it was right up the road. So he left and I hurried up and threw on a pair of sweats and socks and shoes, put the puppy in the hallway and shut the doors so he wouldn't make a mess of the place while I was gone. I started running up the road and my neighbor from up the road was driving by. He stopped to ask me where I was going and what was wrong because he could tell I was extremely upset. I told him and he told me to hop in and he would take me up to where my husband was. When I got there I ran right to the Ambulance my husband was in and this guy stopped me to ask me some questions about my husband. After that I jumped in the ambulance and was relived to see that my husband was ok. He was laying on the stretcher and had a neck brace on. He grabbed my hand as soon as I got there and said that he told them he wasn't leaving for the hospital until I got there. He wanted me to sit back there with him and so did I but they don't allow that anymore. Since I had no other way to the hospital they said I could ride up front with the driver. After they asked me about his meds and a few more questions I jumped up front and we left.

I'm telling you God or an Angel was with my husband that morning because when I saw our car I felt like I was going to puke. He flipped the car and rolled it until it was upside down. My God he could have died! Luckily the guy that had come down to let me know about it was the one who cut him out of the car. They had to cut the seatbelt and not only did that seatbelt save his life but it almost killed him too because it was choking him. And with the car upside down the way it was if they wouldn't have gotten him out of the car it might have exploded because of the gas leaking out and then he would have burnt to death. He was so lucky to have survived it.

He said he didn't even remember leaving the driveway that morning and when he wrecked and came to he thought he was dreaming so he closed his eyes again. Then he realized he wasn't dreaming and he started screaming for me. I think he thought I was in the car with him and that I didn't survive. They said that if I would have been with him I would have either died or been severely injured because the whole passenger side was caved in and the windshield was shattered.

I keep thinking that if I would have been in the car then maybe I could have stopped it from happening. The reason I think this is because maybe when I noticed him going into a seizure I could have taken the wheel and jerked the car off the road and hit the brakes. But my husband said there would have been nothing I could have done and I probably would have died on the spot. It is scary to even think about it. And even though I wasn't with him when it happened I had nightmares 2 days afterwards because I saw the car upside down and I couldn't get that image out my head for a few days.

So now we are without a car and even though that sucks because of where we live we need a car but all I care is that my husband is alive and that I wasn't with him and I am alive because of that. They did X-Rays and C.T Scan on him at the hospital and everything came back fine but of course his Dilantin level was really low. So the doctor has upped his dose to 3 pills a day instead of 2.

The messed up thing about it is that a day before it happened our car insurance was canceled because we couldn't afford to pay it but we were supposed to have a 10 day grace period. Well now they are saying we had no grace period so they won't pay for us to get another car. I told my husband that he needs to call them back because we did have a grace period and now they are trying to screw us out of getting a car. We live out in the country and we desperately need a new car and until we can come up with the money for another one we have to rely on my parents for a ride and they both work 6 days a week so it is rather hard for us to get where we need to go.

Anyway I am going to try my hardest to make the money we need online to get another car. It doesn't have to be new and it doesn't have to be nice. It just has to run and get us from point A to point B.

This is all for now and I will try to post again tomorrow. Please friends, pray for things to get better for us. We will appreciate all of your prays and thoughts. Thank you for listening to my yapping but I had to talk about it. With this being my depression blog it is appropriate to post it here since it is rather depressing what we are going through right now. I will also post a little about it on my other blog. Thanks for reading and please pray for us. :)

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

A warning about Mirapex

Mirapex is a new restless leg syndrome medication. When I went to see my family doctor he decided to put me on that instead of Requip, even though I specifically asked for Requip. He said Requip would counteract with my anti depressants. Well he was really wrong because the Mirapex counteracted with my meds instead. It not only made my RLS worse but it also made me so depressed that I was actually having suicidal thoughts. I quit taking it immediately and felt fine afterwards. So it was definitely the Mirapex. So if you are on Mirapex and anti-depressants also then please be careful. Report any side effects to your doctor immediately.

Even though I have quit taking the Mirapex I am still feeling extremely depressed and it is not due to any meds. Although my Zoloft might have to be upped a little more. What my main problem is our bills are piling up and I need to find a full time writing job fast. My husband needs to find a new job also. I feel like the whole damn world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. That is all I feel like writing right now but I hope to feel better enough to write something positive next time. Sorry if I brought anyone down with me.

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

A bad day and a doctors appointment

Wow I was ok this morning. I had to get up early to take my cats to the vet to get spayed and then I had a doctors appointment. He upped my dose of propranolol to 60 mg. because I have been having a good bit of migraines again. The only problem is the last time I was on 60mg. I hallucinated on them. Well I took my first dose of the 60 this afternoon after dinner and no hallucinations yet so I think I will be ok on them. The only problem I am having now is that I feel a little down. I feel like something bad is going to happen for some reason. I think the reason I feel like this is because I only had a half of dose of Seroquel last night. I usually take a half a dose when I need to get up early in the morning because if I don't I won't get up when I'm supposed to. I'm going to have to take a half of a dose again tonight because we have to get up early again to go pick up the cats.

So I hope I don't feel like this tomorrow. Gosh I feel like the whole world is coming down on me. When I get like this I don't want to write articles and the problem with that is if I don't write my articles for Associated Content I don't get paid. I haven't been able to write very much lately. It's like I have a bad case of writers block and I can't seem to get out of it. I need help big time. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can get out of writers block then please let me know by leaving me a comment. I will really appreciate it.

The Jefferson County Fair is going on and I don't even get to go to it this year. I haven't been there in years. Yeah I know there will be a crowd of people there but they don't stand around crowding other people in, they move around a lot. I miss the rides I used to go on and the food and games. When I was a teenager I went every year with my friends. Now I can't even go one day because we can't afford it right now. Money problems big time. Oh listen to me I am feeling sorry for myself again but hey that is what happens when someone feels really depressed. I can't help it I feel like crap today.

What I wanted to go for was to see Jack Ingram playing. He was there on the first day which was Tuesday. Joe Zelek will be playing at the fair on Saturday and I was hoping to go but not this time. Oh well I see Joe a lot anyway. All I have to do is go to the Dillonvale Pharmacy and I can see him. The last time I went to watch him sing was when we went to Steubenville to his free concert and we left early because I couldn't handle the crowd. When the hell am I going to be able to live normally? I am so sick of not being able to do things in life. I feel like life is passing me by and I am going to die before I get to see things in the world!

I feel a little better since I got that out of my system. Hopefully the next time I post I will feel much better and be in a better mood.

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

Not quite there yet

The other day we had to go to my husband's uncle's house because he had a job for us to tear another trailer down behind his house. He tells us to come over in the evening and start because it will be cooler. So we did and Oh my gosh there was so many people there. I thought I would be able to handle it but I couldn't. I started getting nervous and felt a panic attack coming on and I kept telling my husband either we get started on the trailer or we go home. He knew it was bothering me to be around all of those people and it was bothering him too even though it was his family. But we had to wait until his uncle came over to tell us what we needed to do to get started. All that damn time standing there wishing I was home he then finally tells us to go home and come back tomorrow morning since there was so many people there. I wish he would have told my husband that on the phone instead of wasting the gas driving there for nothing. One of his cousins talked my ear off and the other one kept giving me dirty looks and she was a little mouthy with me. She is actually his cousins wife and I do not like her at all. She acts like she is better than everyone. Anyway we went back the next morning and parked behind his house right beside the trailer so we didn't have to be around anyone else. My husband went to the house to tell his uncle we were there and there was a houseful of people again. I swear his house is the meeting place for everyone in town. It is totally ridiculous.

I finally heard from Social Security about my claim. They made me an appointment to go to one of their doctors. I don't know why because I have my own doctor. I guess they're just trying to find out if I'm lying or not. Well they will find out that I am not and that I am not normal. My aunt told my mom that she had to go to the same doctor and as soon as she did she got her money. I really wish I could be normal and not have to go through all this crap. Why can't I be normal and have a normal job like other people? Why can't I go places and have fun like other people? It is really not fair that I have to live like this.

I am not really in the greatest mood today as you can probably tell by my post. I'm feeling a little agitated and depressed today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

reade more... Résuméabuiyad