Let the sunshine in

Good things come and go while bad ones tend to stick in a memory and sometimes even good things pass by unnoticed. This is why a depressed mind spend sleepless nights recollecting the worst events in one's life. This used to happen to me for a long time and only recently have I understood it (thanks to my husband a lot) and would like to change things into a positive way.

There are 3 things I'll keep doing until I achieve positive results:

1. Pause every time as I notice something good even a small thing and enjoy the moment. Not just pass by. My camera helped me a lot last year although I did not fully understand it. I captured wonderful treasures of nature and enjoyed every bit of them. I still recollect last spring and summer with a smile because these are memories of the best moments in my life.

2. Create good things for myself. There are so many pleasures in life: good meal, long bubble bath, nice books, colorful pictures, interesting movies. Self-indulgence is great if you add sense to it.

3. Find positive moments even in bad events. This one is the hardes one for me. See when depressed I usually become a paranoid downer who finds bad sides in almost any event. If something good happens sooner or later I'll have a thought that it'll finish soon and the next is obviously something drastic. Being very touchy I would react to a tiniest bad event as if it is a drama of my whole life. But since this time I will do my best to evaluate every event and make my mind clear.

I will let the sunshine in so it could warm me up these days and advice you to do the same. Here is a song which title I took for this post. Take care!

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When you paint it black

"I was weak. That's why I needed you... needed someone to punish me for my sins... but that's all over now... I know the truth. Now it's time to end this. "

- James Sunderland, Silent Hill 2

In my When your colors fade to gray post I wrote tips on what to do when you want to do smth but too tired to do anything. Here is some piece of advice on what to do when you don't want to do anything at all.

So. You sit in your corner and all you want is to be left along. You don't want to do anything creative, you don't want to skip time reading or watching tv or playing some video game. Nothing is interesting. Everything is dull and unimportant. And you hate this state.

And you love it at the same time. No worries though. Let us start and you'll love a sense of relief too, I promise.

The best way to get over this numb state is to get yourself busy. This of course contradicts your very mood, yet ask yourself if you want to make things better or what? If your wish is to become happier and more creative, then you need to force yourself but only in the beginning.

1. Make a list of long-term projects and place it on your desk so that you can see it. This doesn't mean making a list of things you want to do right now (besides right now you seem to want to do nothing). Switch your emotions off and write the cool things that you dream to do one day: a story or a book to write, a site to create, a painting to draw, a set of flowers to bloom in your garden, some jewelry to make, some new pie to bake (or create a set of your own recipes maybe?), remake your house interior, write some cool program or create a new design model.

2. Divide each project into small pieces. Big projects always look almost impossible until you realize that they can be divided into several small and sweet steps. As you think about some big project chances are it overwhelms you and you put it on a shelf of cool-things-never-to-be-done, which you call a to-do-later stuff. Besides a set of small steps to perform will also keep your mind occupied for a long period of time and thus distract from sad thoughts which is the main goal.

3. Choose 1 project and start with the first step. You may need to force yourself into doing this step. Do it. Even if you don't feel like starting. Start with something.

When I created this blog I copypasted info from other sources which is [info] no doubt interesting and useful. Then I burned out. It wasn't my work that I pasted here so I considered blogging as a mechanical rather then creative activity. I abandoned it for several months. I complained that I couldn't write and did no attempt to actually start writing. I blamed other people, said surrounding conditions discourage me from doing anything. Finally I forced myself into the first step: write down any ideas or experiences to my notepad. Now this blog is based on those notes.

4. Keep away from perfectionism. Trying to make a masterpiece from the first sketch means to burn out soon and for long. Don't try to make a clean copy at once, rather make several drafts. Also don't consider drafts as failures. Only cartoon characters make millions copywrites to tear them to pieces one by one. You instead learn and improve with repetition. Thus it is good to keep a track of your attempts.

5. Be honest to yourself and stop creating extra demons. The problem is in your mind only. Be brave, stop running away from distractions. Be a master of your own universe. Correct your own mistakes instead of cancelling newborn projects just becuse you think they started in a wrong way. Take control ower your life and soon you'll succeed.

In the beginning of this post. James Sunderland - a protagonist from Silent Hill 2 video game saw a pyramid-headed monster spoil his life through the game. In the end, however, he understands that the monster is just a visualization of his own wish of self-torture. He makes a decision [a quote] and starts attaking pyramid head. He does not kill it - because it is not real. Instead the monster kills itself, which means James understood that there is no need to blame external powers and he is the one who controls his life and can improve it. His fear gone.

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A personal note here. Right now I experience a bad period of my life. I don't know what to do about sertain things. My emotions tend to play tricks on me and I don't always control them. Yet I won't give up. I know this. I have lots of projects in my mind and I will bring them into play one by one.

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Alcohol and depression

I have thought a lot about the recent events in my life and it made me understand the following: wise are those who learn from their's earlier mistakes. Today I would like to share my experience with alcohol and explain what is actually wrong with us when we decide to use it as a relief from stress.

I said what is wrong with us not with alcohol. This means I will not pose the latter one as root of all evil, which is the simplest thing to do. It is we who decide to drink it thus we shall carry responsibility. The same statement works with other things like drugs that we take, or guns that we shoot. In reality devils are in our minds only and they don't posess things as they do in horror movies.

Back to alcohol. The main mistake is to drink it when you feel bad. Alcohol is a depressant which slows brain activity down. Most people feel relaxed after a couple of shots however more alcohol may cause depression, anxiety and/or aggression. Let me explain it in details.

- The first effect of alcohol as it reaches the outer brain is euphoria, a sense of pleasure as it lowers your inhibition. You seem to relief from stress and feel relaxed.

- With more alcohol your coordination and perception are affected, you can have memory blackouts or have difficulty moving.

- As the alcohol reaches your mid-brain, reflexes diminish, you experience confusion, stupor, and may lapse into a coma.

Depressive/agressive behaviour apears on the second stage. If you felt good before taking alcohol your mood may worsen or change into aggressive. This varies from person to person and depends on many different factors. However, if you are already depressed as you drink chances are you will feel worse. There are more chances that you'd like to self-harm and there are many cases of attempted suicide people commited in drunk state.

To sum this up: when you are depressed and feel that you need to release from stress by drinking some - remember that you will have this relief only for a small period of time and will feel worse afterwards. Remember that and decide what is good for you and what is not. Remember that you're making your own choice whether it is choice to recover or to freak yourself out.

Take care and have a nice weekend!

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10 Tips to help someone with depression

Sometimes it is hard to find the right words. Sometimes even the best intentions may hurt. This post is dedicated to people who know someone with depression.

So what to do if one of your friends or relatives is depressed. You feel that you need to comfort her/him. Here are the things to know. Before you start here is the rule you should remember:

First do no harm. Whatever you decide to tell the depressed person, be sure to estimate all pro and contra before saying a thing. Be careful with your words, gestures, mimics.

1. Don't ask what happened. If you lack information about the causes of the person's depression, let her/him be the last who you ask about it. A single memory of some sad thing may trigger a person and make her/his state even worse. Leave these "are you ok" and "what's wrong" things to movie characters.

2. Offer help not pity. If all you want is to say sorry - better make sure to also offer comfort. The depressed person already pities her/himself so again don't make things worse. Sometimes it is as painful to listen someone sorry you as to think about some sad things that trigger bad mood. But:

3. Offer help only if you can actually help. This is the must. If you promised something - do it. Imagine how will your depressed friend or relative feel when s/he realizes that waited for nothing.

4. Tell the depressed person how important he/she is to you. When depressed people tend to think that noone cares about them. Tell them what you love about them, show that you really care. Offer them all your support.

5. Remind them of their positive traits. Depressed person may often think about their bad attributes only and forget about the good ones. Be the one to point out their good side, treat them the jewels they are.

6. Gently encourage the person to do something. I say gently. Don't force them do something if they don't want to. Offer them to go out with you or do something together. The best thing you can do is to get them truly interested with something.

7. Listen when the person wants to talk. A chance to speak out things that worry oneself can be a relief. Sad emotions can burn from the inside untill the person speak them or writes them down.

8. Don't take their pessimism personally. If the depressed person ignores or declines your advice, - don't get frustrated. Depressed person may often think there is no way out. This is just a symptome of their illness. Also don't view someone else's depression as your own fault.

9. Be a good model of positive behaviour. Environment plays a great role in one's mood. So do friends and relatives. Don't multiply sadnes. Influence your dear one to become more healthy by becoming more healthy yourself.

10. The last but not the least don't overdo. Too much concern may be as annoying as loneliness.

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When your colors fade to gray

You want to do something, but don't know what exactly or where to begin. Yet all your fingers are thumbs and you can't do anything. The colors fade to gray and you end up scrolling time by surfing internet, sleeping or playing solitaire. The worst thing is you start feeling guilty for doing nothing. Here are a few tips that may help if you find yourself in such situation.

The key thing is to shake yourself from blues. This means no passive contemplation. Leave meditation for another case. Here we need some active stuff to do.

0. Stop scrolling time. Solitaire is addicting I know. Yet if you don't stop playing it you won't get any success. (By solitare I mean ANY time-scrolling activity you use).

1. Read and comment. Reading books is ok but not in this case. Find blogs, communities or forums where you will participate in communication. Read the topics and write whatever comes to your head in comments. Questions, ideas, your own experience, associations whatever. Just don't be silent. When I had writer's block - I started with minor comments on some social networks untill my creative juices flew again.

2. Meet your friends. There's nothing good as offline communication. Meet or phone your friends. Ask them the latest news, let them tell you some stories, ask if they got any new hobbies, visited some cool place or web-site. Give them your feedback. Hopefully the stories will make you think or even give you some ideas.

3. Get inspired with visual things like video clips, movies or pictures (Not depressive ones!!!). There are l-o-t-s of resources where artists place their pictures or photos and there are as many video services where you can watch stuff for free. Watch things and write down any associations that come to your mind. They may make you want to do something creative too.

4. Learn something new. If you can't do things you used to - than do something else. Learn a language, search wikipedia for some stuff you don't know and try to understand it, choose some weird field to study, or learn more interesting details about some common stuff. Then share your experience with that. My experience again: 2 years ago I though I'll die of boredom untill found an online guide to html\css that changed my life! Now I can make templates for websites or blogger! Hope to make a blog with my own templates soon!

5. If you can't make a whole thing - make a draft. If you're a writer or an artist - carry a notebad or a sketchbook with you. Write down any idea that comes to you. Yeah I know this one is an old thing. But it damn helpful! You don't need to write a poem in your notepad - just a phrase or two. I have a notepad where I write the ideas for this blog. Moreover, the idea of this post came to me about 2 weeks ago when I chated with my friend who told me the idea of the 1st 2 phrases of this post.

6. If you start doing something and it fails - don't torture yourself and the thing you do. If something fails and you get annoyed - the worst thing to do is to proceed. Better shift to something else. Like pp. 1 - 4.

7. If nothing helps - do something useful that does not require thinking i.e. housework. Not only it is a good thing to water plants or clean the house, but it will also make you head clear when your hands are occupied. I mean when you do some routine things you can think about whatever you want without actually being attached to a clear sheet of paper that makes you feel dumb.

Oh and don't think that I forgot to spoil your mood with some morality. Here goes my favorite one. Stop pitying yourself and start doing something. If you keep thinking that you can't do anything - nothing will ever change. Start doing something and as you proceed you'll have no chance to question yourself - cause you've already started!

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Don't get stuck in a swamp with your friends

This is the answer to comment from Joi:

"Realizing that we have more power than we give ourselves credit for helps a lot. Sometimes we just have to switch people OFF the way we do our television or radio when they annoy us!"

It is obvious that usually we communicate with people who we like and avoid those we don't. However, there are situations when we think we have to stand annoying persons for some reason. I will not go deeply into relations with strangers or acquaintances this time. Just a short notice:

You have almost all possible ways to avoid communication with strangers that bother you. Just don't let guilt or underconfidence stop you. You can behave in a same way with aquaintances unless you don't want to break with them off completelly. In this case you can tell them you're either not interested in (or even hate) the particular topic or don't have time for it. In any way remember that you have no obligation to communicate with either of them.

Friends and relatives are a different case. The hardest part here is to actually understand that some of them make you feel sad or depressed. It is a common thing that there are successful people who walk the walk and those who are stuck in a swamp and try to suck as many people with them as possible. Let me explain.

Say you have some idea. You share it with a person and s/he finds tons of reasons why you shouldn't even bother with that. S/he'll tell you the stories of those who tried smth similar and failed, warns you about those difficulties here and there.

In the second case the person agrees with you that it is a great idea and is eager to join you in its realization. But he cannot spare a minute today. Tomorrow perhaps or the next week or well later. Just a little bit later. You wait for him ask him what's the progress and s/he is still eager to participate. S/he will discuss all the tiny details with you, show you their interest yet do nothing practical... Untill you burn out and leave your idea for good.

Now I may be saying a harsh thing, still: these people are loosers. But not just that. They make you become a looser too! They are stuck im their swamp of routine and fears and suck everyone who gets close to them.

A golden rule of all sucessful people is not to communicate with loosers. Never listen to advices of loosers. How dare they advice you something if they cannot improve even their own life! And what kind of advices do they tell you: "don't do this and that because I know it'll make you no good". The fact is they won't see any good in whatever you do. But they do so not because they are bad.

I used to have two friends who were nice people by all means. We loved to dine together, visited each other often, enjoyed speaking about different things. But when it came to something more important like joint business one of them started complaining like "what if we fail" without even starting, and the other one gave hope by joining me, gave 1000 and 1 advice on how to work out some details of little importance but never did a thing.

Now if you realize that someone makes you feel bad in some way - choose between friendship and your sanity. Don't let them imbog you. Switch them off.

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Step 3b: Get rid of trigges

Let us continue dealing with triggers. In the previous post I tried to explain what to do with memory triggers and annoying things. (And if you're new here - here is the beginning of my self-help steps series).

Today let us face web triggers and sensual triggers.

Web triggers

Web triggers are those sites, blogs or communities which somehow worsen your mood. And if you decided to improve your mood and your state try

- not to visit sites which bring you sad memories (i.e. your ex's blog)
- not to visit sites where people share their pain

About the second one: depressed people tend to visit depressive sites and share stories on how bad they feel. However most of the times they feel worse after reading these things. Why? Because consciously or not they try on the others' problems and find correlations with their own. Just like the following way: "John writes that after [some event] he felt so sad. Yeah I usually feel sad after such things too! Like yesterday (...) " - and the damage is done. You read further and further and soak in the depressive environment. Instead visit those pages that either help dealing with problems or where people share success stories.

Sensual triggers

Different people react differently to various sounds, smells or colors and it may seem difficult to control physical reactions to sudden triggers of this kind. However, even autistic people (who have very delicate senses as well as unstable mood patterns) can learn to deal with loud / unpleasant sounds or dazzle lights. Here are some ways to reduce annoyance from sounds, colors and smells.

Sounds

Before I start writing about external sounds let me first ask, what kind of music do you usually listen when feeling sad? L-o-t-s of people (including myself) enjoy listening to depressive music when they're sad. The reason is simple: when you're depressed you pity yourself over and over again, and you LOVE the way it feels and can't get enough of your sorrow. BUT if you want to live withou depression and feel happines because of positive emotions you should stop pitying yourself. Means stop listening to depressive music.

Now external stuff. The best way to reduce annoyance from loud or unpleasant sounds is to actually use ipod or mp3-player which will block external sounds. Just be careful when crossing the street etc! And make sure you have backup batteries or charged accumulators (because I know how annoying it is to have your batteries dead in the middle of your favorite track!).

Colors

There can be some colors in the street that you hate or you can have some ugly-colored things in your surroundings. The simplest tool that will help you to deal with first ones is sunglasses. You can find tons of sunglasses of different styles and colors. Choose whichever you like and make them a part of your image! Have as many sunglasses as you want. Not only will they protect you from dazzling lights and disturbant colors, but they will also make you feel safer. Just accept a small advice: if it is possible take off the glasses when speaking to people important to you because eye contact is a very important part of communication. It can also work perfectly vice versa: you will feel more confident when speaking to an unpleasant person with your glasses on.

What about things you posess or that you have around at home / work - see previous step. In short: try to get rid of these things or ask the person who posesses them to replace these things if it is possible.

Smells

What to do when a gas-helmet is unavailable? Try these tips:

- Bypass the source of unpleasant smell or try to escape it as fast as possible. Hold your breath if needed and if it reminds you something sad - force yourself to think about something else. Or multiply numbers.

- If you cannot bypass the annoying smell but can remove it - do it! The more active you are - the better. The worst thing you can do is to suffer quietly when you can make a positive change.

- If you cannot remove the smell but know that someone can - ask her/him to do so


That's all for this part it seems. And that's all with external disturbants. We dealt with ourselves, people, things and senses. Now it's time for everyday practice. Make changes everyday untill you tick every point in your to-do list. I am sure that you will feel better when have less triggers that worsen your mood.

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